King & Queen

I have found out the only place where common people can feel like Kings and Queens. You are generally named something, but rarely do someone call you by that name. Strating from your own parents! I don’t remember the last time I called my daughters by their given name. If I do, they now presume that I am angry with them.

Mostly the nicknames that are kept for you are not in good taste. They are invariably some teasing ones or a dig at what you are. My folks at home called me Gundappa. Some sense of humor these guys should have got. To name me so! And to date, whether because they named me so or whatever it is, I have never exceeded 65 kg and friends tease me that my thigh’s shadow doesn’t fall on earth.

So are the names kept by me for others or generally others keep for me. I have named people as Brit, Pulli, Chimp, Bean, Panju and so on. I am called secretly by the team as Appa, standing for Dad ( unless it is an acronym like ‘Always a Pricking Pain in the Ass’ ). I have taken it as an endearment. I have become so used to nicks, that I don’t remember the last time someone called me by real name. Either I am just initials, boss or a nickname. My mom maybe when I meet will call me by my name, but that I don’t do often.

Coming back to the title, the only place you are a King or a Queen are public toilets. All toilets, be it in the airport or a star hotel, names the loo as His or Her, or King or Queen. Some are plain Gents & Ladies.

I have always wondered about what could be the original idea behind such a naming. Is it sarcasm that you can just rule over only a toilet or some profoundness like ‘feel like a king when you discharge your worries’ or just plain simple English.

Anyway, it just doesn’t harm being called a King. And feel like one, in those 2 minutes.

Tête-à-Tête with Sujatha

What happens when something that you always desired, but never seriously attempted falls on your lap? All our lives, we keep chasing things that we think are priority, but there are a few things closer to our heart and the sheer distance of them makes it more and more special.

My date with luck was like that. I happened to meet my most favorite writer. He according to me is arguably the best Tamizh writer, when it comes to simple language and the honesty to write for readers, than establishing his own mastery over language and what he knows. And he is singularly responsible for making my Tamizh reading a habit. As a youngster who did not study Tamizh at school, my initiation into big books in the language was just because of his style, content and the grip he had over readers.



And what a journey it has been for all his readers and himself, as he made good use of his captive audience to introduce science, religion, IT and many other things that normally is beyond the realm of them. And at the end, you feel like having learnt as much you enjoyed what he wrote.

So, when I went in, I did not know what exactly to speak with him. First few minutes was spent like a kid in a sweet shop, wanting to hog everything that’s available. And then we started talking. Again, it was just unbelievable that I could sit across him and blabber about his writing, other books, cinema, God, religion. And my most recent favorite subject ‘Sivaji’ which he wrote! ( dialogue ). About his reading habits, his idea about how the movie has shaped up, and my verbatim repeating of a few of his old articles! At the end he appeared to be shocked to see such a fanatic. He just coolly said that I would recruit anyone in the place I work, if I knew they read his books. Such was his acknowledgement and again when we talking about buying one old books of his, he made 3 calls to publishers and realized only then that it is out of print for 13 years. And then he said very nonchalantly to Krithi, that if I could not find the book, maybe no one else could. And I had the special privilege of reading his translation of reading a small poem that may appear in print sometime.

I keep recounting those minutes for the past 3 days and still am in a state of awe. And suddenly I recall one sentence that I spoke but forgot to tell and so on. The man is 70 plus, and pretty energetic and youthful in thoughts and his article on aging and waiting to die created such furore in the fan community. But when I met him, I knew he would live forever. As much in his works, as physically!

A Toast to all your tomorrows

Of puppy love
And love of puppies

Of cleaning OCD’s
And throwing diaries

Of little madurai surprises
And biiig golden surprises

Of himsai arasis
And “A”himsai arakkan

Of impromptu long drives
And pasha with bi-pasha

Of oft repeated songs in the car
And ennai katrika with IBF krithika

Of designing clothes
And yet loving cute pooch

Of standing by through thick and thin( nooooooo. I’m not talking ‘bout weight here)
And being there always for friends

Of a rebel marriage
And forever love

Ganth Ma and Runa Laila,
Yours is an all-season friendship of fun laughter and togetherness.

Here’s a toast to your 17 years and all your tomorrows!

Surprises, Surprises...

Receiving surprise gifts is always a thrill. But giving surprises seems to give an even bigger thrill to some. Some do it for good cause. Some do it inadvertently by sheer lack of sensitivity, like what comes in the Naukri advertisement, shrinking you in size at the time of annual appraisal.

This is not about the second type. I have no energy left for this type and have become adept in taking disappointments, so much so that the so-called surprises are not surprises any more. I just expect them to happen. And manage not to get shrunk.

Back to the first type, not many can qualify in that group. Unless it is someone who cares for you a lot and a great friend! These are the people who have elevated “giving surprises” to an art form, like Krithi who happens to be our great friend. On my daughter’s birthday, the surprises from Krithi started pouring in by around 7 pm on the previous day. The fun began with blindfolding my daughter to take her to best friend’s place by exactly 12 in the night and cutting the birthday cake. And it did not just stop there. There were atleast 8 gift packages given at periodic intervals till the next day evening, not letting my daughter to even comprehend the previous bundle of joy fully. Such was the pace. And she was absolutely delirious. The manner in which the gifts were given at the most unexpected of times and style floored her totally.

Then came our wedding anniversary. She acted as if she had run out of ideas and pretended she didn’t even have time to shop properly. But she did manage to squeeze some time somehow and we received beautiful gifts along with an ode written in toast of us. The next week on her anniversary, we tried to copy her style and did a bad job. All we could do was, space the gifts for half an hour and then plainly stared at her. I had convinced myself that I would not be attempting such daredevilry in future.And left it at that.

And then this event happened. I was suddenly pulled out a meeting one day, with a gun almost in my head saying I need to drive her to some place. I bought her pretext and went along. We stopped at an office and I was wondering what’s happening.

And then came the biggest surprise of my lifetime. She managed to take an appointment with my favorite writer and has arranged a tête-à-tête with him for me. I could not simply believe my luck. Initially I was simply awestruck and pinching myself to ensure that it wasn’t a dream. Then when I knew it was for real, I started rapping. And he did give an unbelievable 45 minutes for us. What I spoke & what I heard is still being recollected, as I am yet to come out of that daze. So that’s for another blog.

But the daze is more because of the efforts of Krithi, her style and the joy she gets in seeing us thrilled. ( the toast that she wrote for us, deserves a separate post ). But, here is our family’s toast to you Krithi….

“May Life be brimming up with pleasant surprises for you always”

My New Look Blog

Here it comes! Had wanted to make the change in the template of my blog. Mostly because of the navigation problem! The number of posts has increased and for every 5 I write, one turns out to be good. And when someone speaks with me, I ask him or her ‘Hey did you read this post, that post?’ and I get a blank look.

Even if they want to go back and read that, finding the post was an onerous task. Invariably, till the next time we meet and if the discussion once again veers to that, it is forgotten. But if it happens, then it forces the guy to tell a lie. He could not have found it and also happens to be decent enough not to tell me that it is tough finding the post ( well, I had been selling myself this story, I don’t even want to imagine that people don’t want to read what I say ). So, I decided to change the template. Then, as it is my wont, started finding 100 reasons about why the old one was bad. It was dark; the fonts were too small, blah blah.

Anyway here it is, and as I have met the readers’ needs, I expect to be repaid. Now they have to read my posts. No excuses.

Rajni's next movie

I am so pissed off with Sivaji’s storyline that I decided to make my own script for his next movie. Just a sketch! Not a real script. I have selfish reasons also to do this. In the US, when they write a script, they complete it and send it by registered post to their own address to establish it was their idea. That way now I am safe. But when I say Rajni, it is just not him it could be Amitabh too. For me they both are superstars. The movie knot is about how Rajni saves the world from destruction. Here comes the basic script

• Opening Scene, a shuttle takes off from earth, title credits.
  
• Title over, and the shuttle docks with a space station and opens with Rajni’s leg shown first.
  
• Rajni bends and touches space ( don't ask how, you don't ask these questions in a Rajni film ) and takes his hands to his eyes, worshipping the Supreme power.
  
• Shot cut, and Rajni touches the earth at Sholavandan and opens his store, which is in front of his watch repair shop. And the opening song. ( Song about how Time is important & every second is critical rendered by SPB )
  
• He is a technician; an expert in precision repairs is established.
  
• His life at the village, with comedy scenes and do-good acts.
  
• We show Trisha, the heroine. She has her own flashbacks, cut within cuts. As a baby, she is supposed to be a victim of female infanticide and Rajni as a 10 year old, saves her life somehow.
  
• She has excelled in studies and gone further to IIT and then joined NASA.
  
• Back at her village on a holiday, she recalls her past and falls in love with Rajni.
  
• A dream sequence and song.
  
• Trisha goes back to US.
  
• Jump cut, crisis at NASA. The space station has issues in a specific problem that only best of the precision experts can solve.
  
• The top honchos at NASA try to zero in on the expert and realize that the best guy is Rajni.
  
• Interval
  
• NASA scientists arrive at Sholavandan to convince Rajni to take up the task.
  
• Rajni hesitates, but the space station is powered by nuclear fuel, so a failure of that and crash landing will annihilate the earth.
  
• Rajni’s mom coaxes him to take up the task.
  
• Rajni travels to US and a song about the new world.
  
• Rajni’s training sequence at NASA to resolve the issue in the space station.
  
• Rajni takes off from earth, flash back over.
  
• At docking, Rajni is into the job.
  
• But Trisha is an astronaut in that space station.
  
• Trisha falls in love all over again.
  
• A dream sequence song again in the space.
  
• When Rajni is yet to fix the issue, when he faces the enmity of another haughty astronaut who has his eyes on Trisha.
• A zero gravity fight sequence ( with a remix of the song 'Vaanam Keezhe, Bhoomi Mele" in the background ) and then as a race against time of how Rajni gets the space station back forms rest of the story.

Fun apart, I made this stuff up, just to expand our own thinking of how we can build a fantasy and not get restricted by our imagination. This has all elements what folks would want. A message on female infanticide, a simple guy saving the world on a one man crusade, mother sentiment, comedy, songs, fight and scope for Computer Graphics that seems to be the vogue these days.

It’s not tough making up a story, that even a guy like me can make that. It’s anyway a rehash of something. Arthur Koestler says there are only 36 story knots possible. This is a rehash of Armageddon, Space Cowboys and a typical Tamil movie. But still, if someone can make it in a credible manner, this could be a great movie. It could be titled ' Ulagam Suttrum Valiban', which is once again a recent trend. And who cares about what reaches whom ? If money laundering and black money getting green, white and whiter can reach B & C Centers with Rajni popularity, so can a space mishap. Maybe we name the heroine Sunita to keep it topical.

I am already counting my dollars. Afterall Sivaji made 100 crores easily. And hoping blogs reach directors like Mani Ratnam.

PS: A punch dialogue contest is open and readers can send their entries, the best & chosen one will get free tickets for the opening show and my autographed credit card bills to pay.

Smarter than a Monkey

There could be never a better way to start your day. I take this quiz in www.quizgalaxy.com and they have certified that I am smarter than a monkey. And just not that, I am actually 62% smarter than a monkey they say.

I should be glad. But something deep inside bugs me. In a way I knew I was always smarter than a monkey. Never needed any substantiation. But when you see that in print and also someone else certifies that, there is this gnawing feeling in the stomach. Been squeezing my brain to figure out why it is for the past 20 minutes.

And atlast got it! Now I am afraid to be in office. All along I was thinking I am with similar people and I was happy with no fear at all. But now, if it is established that I am smarter than a monkey, how will I deal with a few people in office. Suddenly it appears to me that I am in a zoo. But giving the benefit of doubt to a few, and using my ‘smarter than monkey’ brain I can be certain people are not all that gifted as me.

Now that puts me in a bind. How do I deal with them? Will they bite? Do they get angry when they find out I am a black sheep? Do I get ostracized? Can I put my higher-grade brain for better use in the office and explain seriously to my former adopted family?

All these questions are bothering me! Guess I am going to hack into quiz-galaxy and ensure that everyone at office are declared as ‘smarter than a monkey’ and relax.

North vs. South

There is a huge furore happening in rediff. All started by some joker posting his opinion about how Sivaji is. Well, as they say, opinions are like a**holes. Everyone has one. Point is how you keep that closed and don’t stink to make everyone know about it.

The whole debate has taken a direction of how mad Southies are when it comes to movies and how whole of North India is made of scientists and literary figures and no one cares about movies there anymore. And no one has actually talked about whether the movie is good or not. And if it is either, what makes them think so? It is purely now a divided house with all possible moderator allowed expletives, with some ingenious ways like using stars instead of alphabets.

When I go through the whole sequence, I can be certain about two things. The Northies are highly prejudiced. And Southies are stupidly emotional. And Northies while writing forget they have also produced movies with the Govinda’s of the world, and the censor board chief once had a suggestion to call Randhir Kapoor to watch how his daughter has danced with Govinda. All the David Dhawan’s No 1 movies were as crass as possible. Some comment on how a grandfather & granddaughter are romancing in Sivaji, conveniently forgetting the fact that the best hindi movie as of now ( incidentally directed by a Southie ) is all about a similar romance. So, what can be accepted as a story can’t be accepted in a fantasy film and people go around checking birth certificates. There can be many such examples of how bad movies are also made in Hindi as much as the good movies that are made. And the so-called criticized Southies are the ones who are sought after in Bollywood just for their work ethics. No wonder, the driver in my holiday tour refused to listen to Tamil songs and picked up a fight with us. He is atleast an illiterate; here we are talking about IT literates showcasing their prejudice.

And on the other hand, these guys, the Southies are reacting as if someone has raped their sister. It is a movie and people are talking some shit, these guys are so determined that they will dip their legs in that crap and later smell it and get hyper about it. They go at the length talking about culture, and the magnanimity of Southies to accept Rajni, who is actually a Maharashtrian. Everyone is brushing up their vocabulary and am not amused at all. There are great movies made in Tamizh as much as in any Indian language. This is an entertainer. If someone can’t stomach this hype and think we are all jokers, let him think. How does it matter to us?

But once again, there is something deep-rooted here. It is not just about Rajni, AB, good movies, bad movies, crass taste etc. It is all about where one comes from. There the Northies think that everyone who lives down should be looked down upon, despite the fact there are many of their ilk who actually live here and looked up on so very dutifully.

One day, something nasty is going to happen in this country. That I am sure of! :((

Worry

This is actually an everyday dialogue at home. I am worried about you!! Could be about anything. Maybe I have a sudden boil erupting in the size only the best of microscopes can identify. Or maybe I woke up once in the middle of the night to pee. Or when I turn to see, I don’t turn the normal way I do.

OK this is real concern. One needs to worry. But what bugs me most is the question ‘why?’ by her. Why is this boil coming? Arre, how will I know, maybe we should ask the boil itself. Maybe I am good host. Maybe I am just the place where the boil wanted to settle in its last days. Maybe the previous boils told the new one that this is a nice retirement haunt. Or maybe it just came, like the million other boils in the world come.

Otherwise it will be, ‘why you are not sleeping properly?’ How will I know again? If I knew, would I not sleep? Could it be because you are tensed? Maybe! Is it because you slept well in the afternoon? Then, why on earth it’s a worry? I had slept well 6 hours back and am now struggling to catch sleep. Why can’t that good thing supercede this bad thing? Sometimes she will wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me why am I sleeping so restlessly. I might have peacefullly slept albiet restlessly if not for this waking up.

Then, it will be ‘Why are you looking like a crow?’ Maybe I always looked like a crow, being stealthy I am. Maybe I sat too much in the terrace and watched crows endlessly that I picked the mannerism. But the deduction would be a sprain in my back that is causing this crow look. Well I should be happy, isn’t it? Afterall a reason was found. But it is not to be. Because the invented reason has more questions as corollaries! How did the sprain come? Is it because of the spondylitis? But you are not riding a bike anyway? Has the car seat become shorter? Is the new Dell computer causing this strain in your back that causes the sprain?

I know one thing for sure. If my wife is going to be asking these questions continuously, the medical profession will go out of work. Either because of the sheer volume of answers they need to provide or because the patient anyway knows what is happening to him/her that the doctors are needed anymore. Like the doctor whom we know regales about his adventures with the patients, who instructs him to give them glucose! He is aghast at their audacity and his prescription being decided by everyone but him.

Honestly, I think it is my forehead that is getting fat. If not by brain atleast by sinus! And that’s the cause of all worries. With 17 years of husband experience I should be finding such answers so easily.

Hey, this is all a joke OK? But if I am admitted in some casualty tomorrow, you all need not ask the question why. It is just simply so very transparent. I would have been beaten to pulp and the doctors would be rearranging me into shape.

Sivaji

I am certain that this is the best way to increase readership for my blogs. There was this guy who posted a review at 12 noon on the release date in his blog and he had 1427 hits in a couple of hours. And another guy was a honest soul and gave a comment on the review about the movie and the moderators had to come into play. All the choicest of Tamil vocabulary were in display and I got them refreshed. Such is the hype for the movie.

I am right. It’s all hype. I am sure that I should now prepare for all those bad words to be directed at me. And I better play moderator myself, but anyway I will get to know who calls me what, just not me , but my lineage from great grandfather about which even I would not know.

So, as a disclaimer I should say this. I am a die-hard Rajni fanatic. So much so, that for almost a fortnight whatever Sivaji related materials that were in the Net found their way to my comp. And was sulking for 3 days about not having seen the movie on the release day. Only the event like Chairman’s visit from US resulted in that miracle. I was seriously considering enrolling into a ‘whistling course’ to do justice to Thalaivar. But, I came out disappointed after the movie, that I can see the movie only 3 to 4 times. It’s that bad. :(

Nothing much new I can write about the movie. By this time there are terabytes of data in the Net. So, let me spare others and myself about the story, style, action, sets, direction and what not.

I simply feel that Rajni movie is a movie where Rajni occupies the screen fully and we all whistle, dance, get delirious, irrespective of what he says, does etc. This is a damn Shankar movie. Saving grace was that Rajni was atleast introduced in the trademark way to legs being focused first. As the dialogue goes in the movie ‘Comedy pannitanga Rajni’a vachu’!! The man is a superstar. And he just needs to be there undefeated and bashing up bad guys. For years he had been doing it. Without computers, without help of goons! He simply single-handedly was doing good to the society. So what is new?

This Shankar is one amazing guy. He has just one story in his mind. And rehashes, rehashes, rehashes, gets the best stars doing that, make some great dance, song and fight sequences and churns out movie after movie. Gentleman, Indian, Mudhalvan, Anniyan and now this! All one-man crusade plots. For the rest of the guys it’s ok, because they aspire to be Rajni, but why the same story for Rajni. His limitation for fantasizing has been exposed. Why not some story like Rajni bashing up George Bush? Or some problem in Moon which no one but Rajni can solve & save the earth from certain destruction?

Coming back from the movie I was plain angry. There is everyone in the movie and my superstar is just there for the last 15 minutes. Maybe because of all the hype! And I was ostracized from the community for not having seen the movie for 3 days. SMS after SMS on how the movie is, was pouring in. Most stylish thalaivar movie ever made, awesome, breathtaking blah blah. For a guy like me, who went from Madurai to Dindigul to see a 38-minute cameo of Rajni in a movie, that old charm was missing.

My mistake, I should have seen the movie on the first day itself. Afterall budget meetings happen every quarter :(

42-Inch Mystery

Well this is not John Holmes stuff. Anything with inches gets spammed these days. So, let me clear this at the outset. But I go through this every morning. I have cribbed about it in the past in these pages. Here it goes again.

More than half my shirts are 42- inch in size. I remember that they fitted well in the past. Now when I wear them, I look like a coat hanger. They simply hang on me. This should be an open & shut case. I may have got shrunk as I said. But it doesn’t seem to be true.

I didn’t want to waste all these nice shirts so I invested on a gym to expand myself to 42 and worked out like a maniac. And ended up getting tighter for the other shirts but still was a coat hanger to others. But the problem doesn’t stop there.

There are some shirts that are 42, which still fits me. Being a guy interested in logic, I tried to deduce the reasons. First I thought it could be because I buy some shirts in a seconds shop. And the labeling would be wrong. So what I think as 42 is 44, or what I think as 40 is 42. I was happy having found out a logical reason and was peaceful.

Again, a real good branded shirt that was bought in an exclusive showroom in the size 42 fits me perfectly. Now this is a mystery. If this was right, then how come I am not 42 normally?

I am seriously thinking of either getting back to tailored shirts, or just start wearing kurta’s to office, or check up myself for structural deformity. Could be that I have elastic bones. But if I continue to be a freak show material like this, I might as well go shirtless like Salman.

But I am convinced that there is something fundamentally wrong in arithmetic. No one has really found out 42 as a number comes after what!!! Could be a potential Nobel prize answer.

God

Thanks to Subbu’s post and my irresistible urge to make others read this piece by Kannadasan, the greatest of all modern poets in the languages that I have known, here is it, the translation of a simple and most profound explanation of God!!

God

What comes out of Birth, I asked
Take birth, He said

What comes out of Death, I asked
Try dying, He said

What comes out of Life, I asked
Try living, He said

If everything is only experienced
Why You, I asked

God came just a bit closer, and said
Experience is what I am

Home Run & Hero

This has become my story when it comes to the Senior Management meetings. But ofcourse with some changes in the scripts!

There are villains in my script. Plain bad guys! Absolutely no difference from what you see in your everyday bad guy. No scruples, no shame and world class liars. There are people who revel in asking questions, maybe because they love their voice too much and they want to listen to it. Because they anyway don’t listen to your reply! And then we have comedians. Who believe that they are serious guys!! But ones who can considerable damage to you in the meets!

And you want to play Hero like Charlie Brown. Keep telling yourself, yes I am going to make a home run, let me swing, let me take off and thud you fall. The entire making up of nerves seems to go as a waste. And at the end, I dust myself as I get up yelling ‘ Rats’.

Only in my case, the rats are real. Your own guys who ditch you at the meets, by talking something with you outside and say something inside the meeting that is undermining what you all say.

Wish I know which one is going to rat when!!!!

Poor Pluto

No planet in recent times would have suffered like Pluto. Oops, it’s not even a planet anymore. Poor thing! It was called as a dwarf planet and demoted last year. And now this week, they have declared that it is not even the biggest dwarf planet. It has been once again overpowered by Eris, aptly named after the Greek Goddess of rivalry!

I was just wondering what impact it has on our lives. Firstly, we are one planet short now. Nine was a good number and it even sounds odd to say that the Sun has only 8 planets. Even my small daughter laughs at that. Geometrically, the symmetry also goes for a toss. A 3 by 3 square was just perfect. Dwarf or not, there was a place for Pluto.

That now brings up another problem. We are a God short :( I presume it was a Rahu or Kethu equivalent and years and years worship for the dosham ( no idea about the English equivalent for this word ) has gone as a waste. And now, on top of it, whoever believed that they had this dosham, cannot have any reprieve also, because the God on first place is not to be seen. What amends can you make now? All the innovative lamps on a cup of lemon will have to be done for the rest of the Gods only. That means, an industry selling these lamps in the temples is hit. They can only sell 8 in place of 9 lamps.

Astrologers have to cook up a story now. The horoscope has nine boxes and how it will look with only 8 I don’t know. Maybe, the girls who weren’t getting married because of this dosham can now breathe easy. They can form a club of ‘Lost God’ and find a match amongst them.

The biggest hurdle in a Tambram family of not leaving home in Rahu Kaalam won’t be there. You can just keep your time and leave as per normal time. And do things without any worry.

One more advantage I can think of is 'Population Control' in the country. People flock to Rameswaram and pray in Navagraha Baashanam to beget children. Now with one God less in that nine, we may have lesser children and get benefited out of that.

If I really squeeze my brain and figure out, it looks that we stand to gain more by losing this dwarf. But I am certain that there will be a huge effort to reinstate the God or even make that as a curse befallen on this poor earth and more pooja’s will be done and more lamps will be sold.

But you just don’t worry Pluto, for me you stay in my heart, as the dog in Disney. You are not just Mickey’s pet, but mine too. So long…..

Sadistic God

As much as I try to be a religious guy, be respectful to scriptures, maintain my conversion as a theist, it appears to be a daunting task. There are many hurdles in staying theist. God Himself seems to be one big hurdle. He just doesn’t care about advertisements is what I think. So, His presence is the most secret one after Bin Laden. Nowhere you seem to see Him and all of us to maintain our status as believers, keep blabbering that we can see Him in a child’s smile, a freshly bloomed flower, kind acts by strangers, natural beauties blah blah, we tend to forget that even a atheist gets to see all this. I guess it is high time He did something about these doubts and come clear.

Second hurdle is, reading books like ‘Theory of Everything’ or ‘Kadavul’. No one seems to have a definite answer about God, however intelligent they are. Explanation of the creation of Universe and whatever that can be surmised through laws of physics doesn’t need the help of God. He just becomes Mathematics then. And maybe our deities are mathematicians.

And the scriptures!!! Why isn’t He doing anything about it? Almost every book of religion preaches about how you need to forego your earthly pleasures to recognize God. This is absolutely unfair. Bad rules. There is so much to see and enjoy in this earth and those are also specifically created for that. If He did want us to abstain from sex, become a sanyasi to realize Him, he should have been fair enough and created only men. Or only women!! If He can be realized only if we abstain from all small vices and have no attachments, then physiologically we should have not been created that way.

Appears to me that this is a sadistic game. Akin to giving sight to a visually handicapped person, make him enjoy the beauty of the world and take back the vision again. If he hasn’t realized how good it is have vision, he would have continued his normal life. But to provide eyesight, make him understand what he misses and then to take it back is cruel. This is how it looks to me. This realization business!!!!

And these blood & gore in the name of God. And He doesn’t seem to have a damn about these crusades.

No one provides answers to all the perplexing questions, everyone comfortably gives some gyan about how meditation and a life free of earthly pleasures will make us happy, in some case how what you do now decides your next birth ( even the man made courts do not punish anyone if the crime is committed when the person was in his normal senses, but whatever you do now that you would not remember will determine what you become in your next birth makes God a poor judge ). Some God and some understanding we have.

Looks like being an atheist is more comfortable. But on the other hand, looks like making attempts to find some simple explanation why there is a Supreme power to whom we need to look up to, is more worthwhile. Afterall, there is no denial that He is there.But some helping hand from God himself would be useful in this task

Wedding Anniversary

Couple of days from now, I will be celebrating my 18th wedding day. Wait a minute, read it carefully. It is not exactly 18th wedding. It is the 18th year. Should have written 17th anniversary. Guess I was overwhelmed and awestruck with the sheer number of years I am married. That’s why this faux paus.

As I keep telling, on hindsight I thank my job as a sales guy. Kept me touring for half this period. That’s 8 years of these 17 years. And the other half was spent at office with a 9 to 9 job. ( well, I am talking about those days ) That’s another 4.5 years gone. The other half was spent sleeping, which accounted for around 2 years and add to it another .5 years on the phone while being at home. In the balance 2 years, if the kids didn’t eat our head, we would in reality have spent approximately 1.5 years with each other.

In those 1.5 years, half the time she didn’t understand what I spoke and I didn’t understand what she spoke. So effectively we communicated only for about a year. This is just the first wedding anniversary then. No wonder we celebrate it.

First, I intend to award a plaque to her, something like Bharat Ratna or something, for patiently hearing me out all this while. Half the guys who worked with me still hold me in high esteem because they quit the job, unable to withstand me, and then their career flourished. So, I have decided to honor her perseverance. She could not or did not quit her job ( it’s a different thing altogether why she didn’t actively consider that, you always can't count yourself lucky ). Second, just not to sound biased, I would gift myself the same award. Afterall, it takes two to tango.

I keep wondering what magic was there for such a long-standing marriage. Our parents were the key. We strongly believed that if those guys didn’t kill each other, we would also not end up as murderers. And disagreement was taken as norm. When expectations are so low, you always meet them.

Funnily, we never understood what the other one said, so got to do whatever we wanted. I kept telling how organized one could be and she never understood, so stayed as it is. She kept telling me how sanity is a good virtue and I never understood that and I got to stay as it is.

Somehow we contrived to keep our children as human shields and those rabbits were entertaining either one of us in moody times and we suddenly realized that if we could create such wonderful creatures accidentally, real efforts could keep us afloat.

In this historical moment it is apt to thank all the people & things that made the marriage work, so let me thank my job, our parents, our children, our communication gap & our low expectations.

And the wonderful love that we share.

Pressure to Perform

I guess I am an artiste. Why guess, I am convinced I am. Atleast let me be convinced if no one else will be. You may ask why do I think so! Ask me to substantiate my guess. Sorry, an artiste need not do that. It shows in his work. Rather, shows in his unwillingness to work.

I do things because I love them. Not because there is a pressure to perform. Anything that is shoved down my throat is promptly spat back. So, now you know that I don’t accept forced labor. Point no 1 for substantiation. Who else but an artiste can do that?

I do things only in the manner I deem it as fit. Like as if I am possessed. Not like as if. I am possessed by organization and stuff like that. Anything that is unpalatable to my taste I don’t do. Point no 2.

I do believe what I do is super. And I love my own work ( no one else would is immaterial ). Maybe I read my blogs myself more than anyone else. And everytime I keep thinking I have done a good job ( my mind suddenly grows a hammer and hits strong saying ‘come back to earth' ) But I ignore my mind’s warnings. Point no 3 as substantiation.

I have my collection of people who say what I do is good. Irrespective of what I trash out. And some encourage me to do more trash. So I am growing into an even more conceited artist. Point no 4.

I have subscribed to Adsense and haven’t made a single penny yet out of it. That shows there is no big readership. So, what I do ought to be good. Good stuff has very little following. Like Jesus Christ, I have exactly 13 people who may visit my page. So, I got to be a good artist. Point no 5.

I can just ramble like this and get away as a piece of work. Point no 6.

OK, all this is because Sunil has started keeping a timetable on my average frequency of blog posting and I don’t have anything to write and have started becoming banal by repeating what I wrote in the past. Now I can sleep peacefully for having posted something afterall. In the past it would be simply load gif images when I faced such pressures, now I have maybe improved on my rambling.

But Sunil, I am artiste pleaseeeeeee…….

Wham, Bham, Thank you Spam

As days go by, the Spam stuff is getting pretty interesting. Just for the humor value. While I was trashing all of them unceremoniously ( I was not doing it, my rules wizard was ) all this while, suddenly I find them to be of extreme entertainment value.

As usual, I have my share of people suggesting to me to increase my sexual power, but the brain cells are working with the spammers too. These mails now come from an Indian name. You don’t want to trash an Indian girl’s recommendation to improve, do you?! This morning Ujala Sharma was my advisor. I get some reassurance also like ‘ She will love you more than any other guy’.

There is another guy who crows on how to be slimmer and trimmer next week. He hasn’t seen me. If I get any trimmer or slimmer, I will disappear from the face of earth and as it is people ignore my presence ( as my friend used to say my thigh’s shadow doesn’t fall on the ground )

One guy tells me that his is the best shop for good people like me. I simply shudder how many more good people are there on earth and what will become to George Bush’s future, who wants to smoke out the bad guys.

Another fellow tells me ‘Listen to your heart’. I want go find that guy and strangle him. All my life’s problems stemmed from listening to my heart. And he comes back and gives gyan like this.

Apart from this entertainment, sometimes it also gets into my nerves. I don’t know what is this fascination about enlargement in life. 90% of the spam is about that or improved performance. My appraisal is due at office and I am nowhere near meeting expectations and I would be glad if some joker gave me some tips on that. But they seem think that life starts and ends with performing somewhere.

Exactly what job I do they think I don’t know. My job requires enhancement somewhere else buddies. I don’t know whether Viagra, Cialis, Ambien and Xanax at 2$ each can do anything about revenues. Apart from theirs maybe!! Seriously, how many people get hooked by these mails and a sale happens because of them, I would be damned to know. And if it does I may bloody well spam the whole world.

And worse is that my only subscribed mailer from ‘just sell’ gets pushed into the spam folder too.

Kiwi, Ostrich & Kingfisher

I really wish that they named the beer either Kiwi or Ostrich. Only yesterday I said that Kingfisher is afterall a bird and it will fly. Looks like what I have are non-flying birds like Kiwi or Emu. It refuses to fly.

Because someone from the team flies in from somewhere and I go with him. To gossip, to crib and to ponder about what’s going to happen in the office in Qtr 2, which is a more perplexing question than even ‘Does God exist’. All these things are maybe dry subjects. Because they just are not imbibed without being washed down with a beer.

And beer also helps in having this artificial euphoria about everything being all right and postpones the inevitable reality. Till next day morning. It’s a different story that some real good and honest attempts are being made at home when you return, to make reality arrive earlier than scheduled. Attempts like a stare that will burn the bones even. In the event of that not happening, you can retain the euphoria till morning and wake up in the morning to write a blog hoping the bird will fly, and in the evening realize the truth.

So the fact remains that beer is there to be here!!!!

Health...A state of mind

Of people who love you!! I have always believed that I am superfit for my age despite having to pop 3 tablets every morning. And for added measure sometimes include two more. But it has never bothered me.

At 40 plus with so much reading in the most unstable of the transport systems, I can’t complain about wearing a progressive lens. In fact I am only glad that I do, as things are clearer now. How I wish we got such progressive lens for looking at people and relationships?!

I know with the heart working overtime ;) I am liable for some blood pressure and see no harm in having a maintenance contract with that, by popping a tablet. And the third tablet, I would love to have anytime, as it is given to reduce my triglycerides, the single most reason for them being my Kingfisher. The alternate options suck, so the tablet seems to be God sent. Stopping the beer would stop the tablet. But who wants to stop anyway? The tablet doesn’t increase weight so let it be. On the contrary it reduces my fat. So, it is a welcome tablet.

Doctors now & then get corrupted by medical representatives and prescribe something for disorders that you don’t know that exists with you. I am not joking. My dog was put on an anti-anxiolytic when my second daughter was born. I seriously think that medical companies first invent the disorder and then the drugs for it.

Anyway, my attempt at humoring this does not go well with the people who love me. They are mighty scared. My wife by this time would have enlisted the help all possible Gods in life and given an ultimatum, that they would be popping anti-anxiolytic drugs themselves. Sometimes I get to discover that a certain God exists. One Danvanthiri God with a beautiful temple with pooja’s and what not!

Point is that I feel absolutely ok and I think, as you grow old there would be some wear & tear and considering many of my age I feel I am much better of. But for your loved ones even a small thorn in your legs will be a thorn in their heart. The only time my daughter cried was when she saw me in the ICU. And I feel really bad and like letting them down when I make light of their worries or get animated with their discomfort about my health.

To think of it, it pays to be super healthy. Atleast for their sake!! Kingfisher is after all a bird, it should fly off!!

Bunnies

There are certain people in life who are made just to be bunnies. Almost everyone and anyone will trample upon them. And the most favorite hobby of the rest will be just, go tease them on the way. Mostly, the bunnies are smart guys themselves, but there will be one area where they are weak. Possibly on not being able to get mean and even! And the whole world will have some free food.

Guys get teased most about girls. If you are someone who does not have the courage to speak with girls, but haven’t hidden your desire to do so, you are dead meat. There will be a great generosity in pairing up the dreaded girl in the environment with the bunny boy. And during the course of it, the bunny will even start looking forward for the dreaded pair and alas; she will understand the trick that’s going on and dump him. That will give room to another session of teasing and taunting.

It’s immaterial whether the teasers are good enough to get some pairs for themselves, but as long as bunnies are around they will have a field day. And the bunnies never learn. Not once they will try and avoid the rest of the gang, but also they will make some innocent remark that will provide fodder for more.

And God help the soul that really cares about the bunny. If one attempt is made to assuage the broken heart, the teasing becomes even stronger. Because the bunny character can’t play it smart by keeping quiet. Maybe to establish that he is afterall not that weak! But he will have it. Out of sheer frustration the caring soul will avoid the bunny like a plague. Or worse could be that they will pair up with one of the gang members. : ))

I guess the bunnies themselves will start seriously believing that they are good for nothing. And more the acceptance of the tease, more the tease will become. Seriously thinking of ‘Bunny Care Club’ and help these poor souls

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Crabs

There is an old joke that says that a container full of crabs need not be closed, because if one tries to escape the others will pull it back. I was reminded about that and many other people when I read the ‘Peanuts’ strip yesterday. It goes like this.



This one is even more amazing. You yourself goad someone to be something and continue that with more irrelevant comparisons while praising and then bring them back in a thud. Though many would not obviously do that ‘bringing back’ thing, surely they don’t mean anything while they shower compliments.

It is so very obvious that the compliments are shallow and uttered just for the heck or for a conversation. Seen many a guy who can repeat one single line to many girls. Maybe it could be because of utter lack of creativity or maybe that’s what their brilliance can afford. But, I feel it is more because of lack of effort to say something that’s worthwhile. Whatever is said is more as a starter or as filler while chatting, because there is no intellectual compatibility.

I often wonder what runs in their mind, when they say these compliments. Do they know that they are making an ass of themselves? Do they know they betray their lack of intelligence? Do they know that their packaging is so very banal that even if someone wants to believe they see through it?

These are the people who also tell the other guys that they are great. It has happened to me many times. I would have made an ass of myself only at that very moment; this genius will come and tell me that I did a great job. Would feel like strangling these characters then. It berates your even further to say that you did good, when you yourself know that you advertised the whole world that you are fool beyond comparison.

What exactly are these guys? Are they plainly incompetent of doing something? Or, are they so very jealous that they want to make a superficial appreciative comment that everyone knows that they don’t mean.

These are the crabs I want to run miles away from. But unfortunately God puts us all in the same container : (

Cheeni Kum

Surprising that sometimes when you have something in mind to write, you also come across a similar piece written by someone else. I wanted to write something about a few dialogues in the movie, which talked about happiness and jealousy; I read this piece by Kushwant Singh this morning. And it almost touched something parallel or atleast triggered the same kind of thoughts the movie did.

The movie unto itself was fantastic. Off the beaten path, bold theme and great acting. But the clincher was the dialogue Big B has with Paresh Rawal asking him why he doesn’t approve of him. And he zeroes in at jealousy. Jealousy at someone who wants to be an iconoclast when it comes to defined roles at defined ages. He argues that Paresh is jealous about what he can do being older than him by 6 years. Paresh is simply unable to accept the fact that Amitabh being older to him can do something that belies his age, instead of possibly retiring and watch TV.

Made me think about how shallow we are as human beings. All the while we are young, we always want to do something that is beyond our age. We easily adopt Parent ego state in our transactions. It happens even to a small kid. But when it comes to playing down the age, it is unpalatable. What’s the real difference anyway? In both cases, we just don’t want to be the age we are. How is that, it is acceptable to try things that are above your age, while the other one is not?

Many people come to me and comment on why I wear bold colors, why do I have so many footwear’s, why am I growing my hair, why am I friends with people younger to me by 10 to 15 years. Many such questions, as if when I am just 40 I am supposed to take sanyas or just be a dad of 2 daughters and turn away when an attractive woman passes by. If I do, it’s not my age!! Or audacity!! “Look what he is doing, why can’t he just be his age?” ( Buddies, if I don’t, I can’t even relate to my own daughters….)

I can only laugh at them or really feel bad for them. I believe that as we grow older, we also grow wiser, smarter, bolder, more powerful, more understanding and so many other things. If you start feeling that you are old, you are dead that day. You are not going to like yourself and if you don’t, no one would either. It is plainly a denial to stay happy. Good things create unrest with many people. They always want to be Atlas. Carry the world on their shoulders and everyone’s miseries! If God decides to give rest one day to them from this daunting task, they feel miserable. They just can’t be happy, thinking that one day there is no pressure. They will really squeeze their brain and find out one distant misery that can hit upon them probably 20 years from then.

It is these kinds of people who think that one should act their age, particularly when it comes to trying something that youngsters do. No it’s not for the oldies. Plainly because I can’t do that because that may accidentally make me happy and my vow to remain sad would not be fulfilled, so I should not. Since I won’t I also don’t approve of what you do will be their undeclared stance.

Actually, we should have retired all these jokers just after they finished their kindergarten. And just give them the Atlas job!

Reviews, Reviews...

How would you feel if, all you do in life is being in reviews? Sickening! And that’s what my life has become. Reviews, Reviews and more reviews.

The ones I am supposed to do. One on regular business, 3 on special initiatives and then the same thing repeated to me as a review. And after you had been a million reviews, you kind of predict what will be the course of it.

Never once I have seen, heard someone following what was planned in the previous review. But the creative juices are at its best when questions are asked. Starting from a dumb answer like, ‘Boss, its there’!! What’s there really? Appears to me that nothing is there, that’s what the issue is about. Otherwise it will be ‘I asked them Boss’. Ask what and whom? Your job is to do and not ask. I scream my butt off for these answers. As much as I have become a decent prophet about what’s next, they also are pretty good in terms of digression. They know the issues for which there are no immediate solutions and the discussion will be veered there. Else, it will be one elaborate discussion on something that is not worth even a penny. The cost of that discussion will be higher than the potential outcome.

Some guys are smarter. Like what we used to say in earlier days that one should hold the graph sheet up and from your side it will be degrowth and in the opposite side it will be read as growth. They will choose one obscure datapoint and compare and establish that there is a .00001 % growth. That datapoint would be when Genghis Khan invaded us and we were all busy saving our lives. The reality would be different. Something will be on fire. Or the outstation guys will lose signals. Whatever you ask, they will repeat ‘ Boss, Boss’ and for added measure, they will say ‘ Boss, your voice is cracking’. Then what it else it will do? Seeing the revenue figures, voice can only crack !!!

And when it is my turn to get reviewed obviously all my experience would come into play along with the recent learning’s from the subordinates. But Bosses being bosses are always smarter. They know what you will not have an answer for and stick on to that question. Immaterial whether it has any relevance to the business. And it will be accompanied with some solid gyan on why we should not ignore hygiene factors, which you would hear only for the millionth time in life.

The poor souls will always be the one who gets chosen first in a group. The energy level of the questioners will be high and the rest will get an opportunity to cover up their stupidity that comes up in their reports. So, when they are badgered and released finally, there will neither be energy left nor desire to rape will be left. In my days, I have seen some really thick-skinned characters who will be completely unperturbed about the environment and go on and on with their harangue. Few bosses have the intention to take them seriously and rape them. Otherwise it will be one banal report which none will care for.

And worst about the reviews is there will be a plan made again as corrective action and it will be trashed as soon as you get out of the room and everything will start all over again in the next week. If only, all the creativity that is used in answering questions on reviews is left to be used in business, it will grow for sure.

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