Friday, November 09, 2007

To be or Not to be

A Shakespearean quote would be the apt beginning for this piece. This is not got anything to do with the dilemma of Hamlet of whether to live or die. Or what could death bring as against the known miseries of life. Though maybe something equivalent! Has the same intensity and trouble in deciding. It is about to be or not to be in marriage!

Diwali eve brought a friend home. I invited him because he was alone at his place ( wouldn’t call it a home ) brooding over his loneliness with only rum to accompany him. I have known him for many years now and he along with his wife made awesome company to us in the early days. They met in college, promptly fell in love and married against the wishes of their folks. But they were a cool couple, with her competing with me in drowning bottles of beer and laughing loud. He is a pretty sedate guy, but has a great sense of humor. They had seen their share of trouble and had come out of it and have a lovely daughter as proof.

And then suddenly things went sour. No one knows why! She simply turned crazy. Skirmishes turned to violent fights. Somehow there was always an artificial high, buying of property, changing cities, promotion in jobs that kept the marriage going. And then the bubble burst. They started living in the same house but used different bedrooms, with a daughter caught in between. While, this arrangement was going smooth for a while, at some point of time, even that got collapsed when she started telling her daughter things unmentionable even in my standards of audacity & transparency. And that was it for him. He moved out of the house and found himself a place. It was definitely not one sided as I write it to be, as we were friends for both of them and counseled both of them on various occasions. Used to take both their versions with a pinch of salt, but what made me think in his favor was what she was poisoning the kid’s mind.

This guy was all sad when he called, because his daughter was not visiting him for Diwali, because her mother is planning to take her to a friend’s house. While we were talking this stuff, a call landed in his phone and it was his daughter. He was being escorted by an uncle to whom she was dumped to for Diwali by her mother. That was a shocker. She didn’t allow the kid to visit the Dad and neither was she willing to celebrate it with her, but palmed the kid off to someone completely unimportant. And the daughter wanted to see the dad. It is a different story that she made it to our place and we had huge fun for about 30 minutes. But she made me cry when she left. A kid all of 10 years, being poisoned by mom, with huge love for dad and wanting to be with him, but had to lie to her mother about seeing him and go to some corner of the city to celebrate Diwali with neither of the parents, with them being alone to themselves. How cruel it can become?

I have had my share of friends who wanted to separate; somehow to all of them I have advised patience and asked them to work it out. There was one girl, who already was living alone, but I persuaded her to go back and the next time I heard of her, she was heavily pregnant. With these guys also I made that attempt. Not because I am against divorce, but something tells you in your mind that there would still be something left to be tried. And it comes from what you know of the couple, their stubbornness, their love to each other, and their willingness to compromise on beliefs for the other. When I realized that part about my friend’s wife, I asked him to quit for his own goodness. We knew about the kid, we anticipated this shit, but still there was only a limit someone can take. Another friend of mine, when it was getting a little bit too much for her that included abuse, simply went to office one day and never went back home. And what kind of ordeal it would have been for her, to take a decision of leaving a 7 year old son, who is now at college but she hasn’t seen him again. Another friend of mine has been visiting the court for almost 10 years now, because the divorce is not by mutual consent. That joker of a husband of hers, who ensured that she went through sufficient abuse, claims that he wants to live with her. Maybe he thinks the abuse is not still sufficient.

There is this that ‘Tipping Point’ when people decide enough is enough. And I think that happens when they don’t see any future in the relationship. It cannot run on past glories or what the society prescribes. For many of them, it is the stigma associated with the act of divorce. Especially women, but my friends had been bolder in that context. They knew that it is not the society that sleeps in the other half of the bed. It is them with that demon and they better handle it themselves, rather than wallowing in misery inside, but put up a brave front and a fantastic show for the society. After all, the society would not be there when you want them. At its convenience, it becomes too decent. Non-interfering and it may include your own folks. It is your decision and you need to take it. And the only thing that matters is that whether you look forward to peaceful time with the partner for the rest of your lives, if not and you are sure that it is going to be terrible, if you don’t quit it will be a mighty waste. And surprisingly, we don’t feel accountable for our own happiness; we somehow think that it is martyrdom that is fashionable. We feel that giving into one’s own pleasure is crime and we always have to think about the rest. BS it is. Maybe if you really feel that way, atleast you should start feeling accountable for you own sadness. Don’t pursue happiness, but atleast ensure that you aren’t sad.

I was listening to a very wise man in TV this morning. A college professor who talked so very beautifully about Hinduism, Manusmriti & Samskaras specifically! Only when you hear and understand what the religion has prescribed, you will come out of the shallowness that we all seem to have presumed as intelligence. The Veda’s were oral forms earlier. They are believed to be Anaadhi ( without beginning ) and they always existed as sound waves in the Universe and our great ancestors had the power to make meaning out of those vibrations. The flip side to that was, it was passed from person to person and we don’t know which interpretation is right. This morning the Professor said that Divorce was allowed as per Vedas and he listed out a few reasons on what constitutes the ground for divorce. But when I hunt the Net, all mention on this subject is lopsided. They claim that women can’t divorce, but men can. And in the same breath there is also some supreme glorification about women’s role in a household. Even the Prof was telling how in Brahmin rituals we have the lady of the house standing behind the man and touches his shoulders through a Dharpam, because a wife is called Sahadharmini and that means she is a part of your dharma and you fulfill your destiny only through that partnership.

Anyway, the more you try to seek solutions from outside, the more you get confused. To my friend, if I had talked about Manusmriti when this crazy woman of him was sending anonymous letters to the tax guys about frauds in her husbands business, he would have bashed me up transferring all the anger he had on her against me.

I am convinced the laws of the society are just roadmaps for life. If you are sure, where you want to go, why the hell you need maps for!!!