WoW

This is something that has taken the fancy of Aruna. Well WoW stands for Women on Wanderlust. These guys, rather gals arrange trips for women alone as a group and pander to the wanderlust wishes of women. She has been goading Krithi to join her and she has already vicariously traveled as far as Egypt now.

Actually it is SOS time for me in reality. On many fronts! I am tempted to find out whether there is a inner meaning for wanderlust. Is it just about visiting places far from the confines of family trappings? Is it wandering away from men in reality? Or wandering towards men in reality, albeit different men! Everyone is bit by wanderlust. Whether it is men or women, that dream is there.

I always wanted to go somewhere on my own. I was wondering what do I go away from or go towards. Maybe the first thing that hits me as a great bonus is that I don’t need to do anything that I normally do. I don’t have to plan, I don’t have to keep timings and I don’t have to look behind my shoulders to do the certain things that I normally do. My beers won’t be counted. And I can practice my belief of using beer as a thirst quencher. Then I need not be worried about what others want to do, whether the kids are hungry etc. Maybe the same stuff applies for women also. Just plainly freak out!

But let’s come back to why I call it as SOS time for me. On two fronts! SOS stands for Sisters on Shopping-lust. That’s what it will be. In fact I have a deep suspicion that it is an alien conspiracy that makes all new launches let be known to these guys exclusively. Even before a shop is conceived to be launched they will come to know of it. It is a different story that the conception itself happens only because the investor is aware of the existence of these two.

If there is 30 minutes that goes by without anything to worry, Aruna will get stressed up. And the next minute she will call Krithi. Asking her to come for a de-stressing trip! And she is always more than ready. My suspicion there is, she would be waiting in her parked car at my gate and the moment the call lands she would be there and before you say Jack Robinson, they both will be out. There is not a single shop whose inventory they don’t know. In fact they get too busy around 31st March, because for stock-taking the shop keepers need to know about the inventory situation and they can’t call anyone else but these two people.

I don’t know what they shop really. But they will keep shopping and sometimes the shopkeepers will beg them to leave because he has a home to go. This could be for themselves or for each other. Alternatively even this can happen. While they are walking in the streets, if they hear the word shopping, they will be stopping. They would probably accompany them. It could be a stranger also; they will just introduce themselves, give them all kinds of dope about where you get what and take them along. The fact that they would end up buying more while they were supposed to play guide is my own sorry story. Let us not dwell into that.

So much so that I have suggested that they can make this as a career. Like what Kamal Haasan says, if your passion is going to be your job too, then there can never be a better life. In the process they can earn some money. I would not mind if it is in kind also. Like getting the n’th pair of sandals as that day’s fee!

Alternatively, they can do one thing as a pair. Krithi can convert her own wardrobe as a shop. Because it has more inventory than the biggest textile showroom! Aruna can then take someone along there and shop. And then having made money out of the sale, they can then go out on a shopping binge themselves. Inventory gets replenished. Money is not wasted. The shopping lust is fulfilled. So many things in a single stroke!

These guys also have some mysterious planning. My daughter Teju is now almost as big as a woman. So when Krithi buys something, to kill her guilt, she shops in the pretext of buying it for Teju. But then she knows she can flick it from her whenever she wants because she can get into the clothes with ease.

Have you ever heard of any guy paying EMI favoring textile shops? Well, I am that guy. This is apart from what they can buy out of their own earnings. There is a strong rumor floating, that one of Krithi’s friends collapsed out of heart attack once because she saw her in a dress that was once seen worn by her 3 years back. It was so unlike her to repeat, so I can understand the shock of her friend. Apparently the grapevine is that Krithi is contemplating to do some construction work at her home, which is to extend the balcony into some kind of a cantilever, because she needs more storage space for her dress. As far as Aruna is concerned there is no such problem. Not because the quantity is less, it is just that she won’t be too worried on where she keeps them.

A third member of the clan is now being indoctrinated that is Teju. What it would be if not for SOS time, when you start wearing slips to office instead of vests!!!

She smells good ? Stay Away !!

It is contrary to what you would do normally, isn’t it? If you come across someone smelling very good, nice perfume and all, you tend to get attracted or sometimes even turned on. Hold on for a minute. It may not be a great idea.

A recent research has concluded that women who are depressed tend to wear a lot of perfume because they lose their sense of smell. So if there is someone who is bathed in perfume, you better stay away, lest you become the shrink for their depression.

I am just wondering about all these kind of research and always keep thinking whether the converse of the theorem is also true. If this is true, then do women who stink are vibrant in their mind? Well this is just for argument’s sake. I don’t apply real logic to such thoughts. It is just that I was wondering whether all of us would be rewind times and behave like our ancestors, going around smelling women.

Fun apart, we surely are affected by smell. In fact the same research has concluded that the people who are depressed react well to aromatherapy. A friendly smell seems to help them. Whether we want to smell good or not is one side, but surely one should not smell like a pig.

One of the hazards of working in large organizations is getting bombarded by all kinds of smell on a daily basis. I used to wonder whether certain people collect body odor as a hobby. So much so the entire cubicle will stink. If they happen to be the boss, then it is a double whammy. You get assaulted by both his verbal diarrhoea and the smell that is created by that kind of infection. There are other people who have this problem of bad breath. There was this guy at my office, who is a pain if he opens his mouth. Both because of his potent weapon of mass destruction called bad breath and his muttering in Hindi without attempting to open his mouth.

With so much education that is attempted by the commercials, I wonder why people still come to work as they walk out of a pig sty. Maybe we should quarantine such people and unleash them on the sales team when they don’t do the target, with a stern warning that they would have to come for another such meeting if they don’t buck up. Would work like magic then.

OK, if my title sounds sexist and women want to be up in arms against me, here is my suggestion to them. If its men, just stay away ( irrespective of how they smell )

Brain Again

There is something strange about the organ brain. As it is about the other organs, everyone has one. Or atleast seem to have one! But we have never complained about anyone that their breathing is crazy, walking is stupid and so on. Somehow these organs, the essential ones at that like heart, lungs, kidney etc function equally for all people. Brain alone is a standout. I can understand that if people are born differently, like some one at birth has only half a kg of brain as against 1.5kg everyone else has. But it is not so, the brain weight has always been in correct proportions in everybody.

The problem arises when they start using it. I have a fancy theory that it depends on where the brain is situated in the body. Though physically it is always under the skull, the way it functions is dependent on where it’s heart lies ( brain’s heart I meant, some stupid kind of a metaphorical statement ).

For some brain is housed in their jockey shorts. They can think nothing else but getting into the pants of others. For some it is housed inside some safe vault in the body that we don’t know about, because they never use the brain and keep it super safe. For some the brain understands only numbers, all they think is money and anything is associated with money and money only. Even their own self respect! Some people seem to have developed it well in the formative years and exhaust it when they pass out of great institutions. They walk into huge corporations and offer value added bullshit.

Some have it removable. They promptly remove it when they start from home, act stupid all the while when they are out and return to re-fix it. For some it floats in a sea of tears, they cry first and think next. For some there is an inherent fear of exhausting it, thus they never use it once and save it for a rainy day. For some it suffers from a delusion of multiplier effect. Even little thing they do, they believe it is a great thing. Some senior management people have it pretty easy. They train the brain to just say yes. One day in a meeting if I mimic the Boss’s voice and say ‘I don’t think you have brains’, they will promptly say yes.

For me I guess I have it clouded by anger. First I get angry and then start thinking. And then get angry again after building some logic. Or it is more spent on tolerating other brainless creatures. And it is already running out of space with storage of junk information that an immediate disk cleanup is warranted.

I am going to have it surgically removed and just survive with Google only!!!

Balance Sheet

I remember making a balance sheet last year on how the year went by. Mostly it was good stuff and a couple of things I would have let go by, if I had a choice. A quick check on 2007, presents a similar story. I don’t want to get into the nerves of people reading this by making them think that I get all the good things in the world and how am I so lucky. The fact is that I am a bit lucky. But claiming this too very often when I have always had my share my minor discomforts and irritations all the time is strange even to me. And people around me claim that my discomforts are because of my blowing up my own trumpet. Some voodoo stuff it could be. Not that I am believer, but why advertise all the goods seems to be a logical question!

Guess it is my penchant to show off! I tom tom every good thing that happens to me! As if I am the only lucky guy in the world. Think it is an attitude of enjoying a secret pride of my success and telling the world ‘look what I have got’. But then, isn’t everyone like that? Wanting to showcase their goodies to the world? I guess so! Few people are there who would keep bitching and moaning even if they get the best things in life. I am not like that. When as a youngster, successes are rare & few and you don’t belong to the cream, not a very studious person, never seen first rank in lifetime, whatever little opportunity you get it, you tend to show off. That’s precisely what I do.

One of my ex bosses cured me of this illness when I always kept comparing who got what. That was supposed to be at work. In life that has never bothered me. Maybe that’s the reason I think too much whatever little happens to me and blow it in such a proportion that the world thinks, everything is hunky dory with me. But the point is that many things are too ordinary and I am good advertiser. All this enlightment happens only when you realize that a family member who is 10 years younger than you has achieved more in many areas and you don’t even know about it.

OK, I have said it all, but the fact remains that 2007 happened to be one of the best years of my life.

• I found an amazing person who turned out be my best friend
  
• I quit a job of 8 years at the right time.
  
• Got into a very interesting job that paid well.
  
• I made some good investments.
  
• Folks at home had a good year too I suppose.
  
• Did all the stuff I always do like buying books, reading, writing, listening music, watching films, partying, shopping, holidaying but everything in exaggerated proportions.

On the flip side,

• As usual warranted myself a hospital visit by tearing a couple of ligaments.
  
• Right time or not, quit a job of 8 years.
  
• Worried more about the folks at work than ever.

Doesn’t change my opinion one bit! It is always more good than bad. The time that goes by seems to be better every time, but it also gives a perspective that if that is true, what comes out will be even better, because you know that the next year’s balance sheet will look similar.

Genetically programmed to win

This is what Jack Reacher says! Well Reacher is the hero of all Lee Child novels. There are some characters that remain etched in your mind. Reacher, Dirty Harry, Harry Bosch of Michael Connelly! These are guys, to use a phrase to explain them best, are characters out of a story book. Well they are in fact.

The creation of such characters I wonder would be a fantasy of the author himself who he wants to be. All these guys have a common trait. They never lose. They are loners. The girls fall for them. They are anti establishment. They know everything under the sun. They are passionate about the job. They hate the bad guys.

My interest in them is about what I said in the title. Their belief! That they will never lose. Reacher believes that he is genetically programmed to win. He says that killing is his job, albeit the bad guys. As much as a lawyer would not hesitate to see a brief and defend the client, he would kill. No compunctions whatsoever!

I wonder how many of us are like this! Honestly speaking all of us are. Reminds me of an interesting perspective I read somewhere. That all of us born winners, in other words, all of us genetically programmed to win! It starts from our genesis. There are a million sperms that get discharged during intercourse. But there is only one that succeeds in entering the egg and fertilizing it. And that is the one that made you. It had to be stronger, faster and it should have had a desire to be the first, the one that will win. So you start with an advantage. We get made out of winning genes.

But then there are only a few who actually win in the real world. I haven’t bothered much to research or list out the traits of winners. I call myself a winner. I know what I do to be one. I have no guilt, no shame and no fear. ( no fear in getting something done, the normal or the abnormal fears of escalators are very much there ). More often than not I have found that, you just have to ask what you want. Many of them give! When you ask! Problem starts only when you start thinking of what could be the answer. Well, there is always a 50% chance of success, isn’t it? They either say yes or say no. Many say yes. Starting from a normal bargain in a shop or with a vendor! Utmost they say no, they don’t get insulted or hit you for having asked. For many, it is the fear of facing the answer which possibly could be no. But then what is the problem if they no. I read in a small Udipi hotel at Mumbai which said "We do all things possible, the impossible we take a bit more time”. Obviously the hotel owner was someone who landed at Mumbai for north Karnataka with just one rupee in hand. And made it big! Why wouldn’t he?

Sometimes by asking you may even get more than what you bargain for. Because the guy at the other end could be someone who fears to say no! And he is afraid that you may get insulted at the offer he makes. So he does his best. There are plenty of positive thinking books. I never read any of them. I have found no use for them. I know what I am, then why bother someone to tell me what I am. But many find them useful. I actually pity them. You are made to win.

Just go out and win!

Armpits in Advertisements

Sometimes I wonder what these ad guys are up to!!! I saw plenty of hoardings advertising Deccan Chronicle. It showed a lithesome girl with hands lifted up, displaying her armpits. And the caption was ‘Don’t Compromise’. Of course the first two letters of the caption ‘DC’ stood for Deccan Chronicle and there were highlighted. Now tell me what this ad means? What has it got to the newspaper? And what are they asking us not to compromise? Compromising on losing opportunities to see armpits?! Where is the connection? We want to use the female body form for promoting anything and everything, starting from water pumps to pan masala.

While this is a vulgar strategy for getting eyeballs at the advertisements, the endorsement ads are even funnier. Once Sunil Gavaskar endorsed Niki Tasha kitchen range! What has he got to do with that? He was cooking centuries and not curries! But they paid him to endorse the brand which he never uses in his lifetime.

Now there is a new fad. Celebrity appearances! In a recent function at Mumbai where a deal was signed between two businesses, SRK graced the occasion and he was paid one crore for that! Beats my imagination! Why on earth, he would be there and why he has to be paid for that?

For every good commercial there are 10 silly ones. Some of them socially irresponsible too! Like the Pepsi where they used a tea boy when child labor is a crime in the country. Mercifully someone filed a PIL and they withdrew the ad. There was a time you went to saloons for seeing some pictures with cleavage, a confirmed male preserve and domain. But now, they are everywhere, even promoting the toor dhal that you use everyday.

If things don’t change much in the ensuing days, I also should start considering about displaying some deep valleys in my blog for better readership!!!

Bonobos

The only certain way I pass time when I holed up in a hotel room on tours is by watching Discovery Channel. Quite an apt name, because I tend to discover something new every time.

George Santayana told ‘A country without a memory is a country of madmen’. What would he say about the whole species that evolved to its present form when it doesn’t carry the most important memories?

I saw this program about the Bonobos, the closest cousin we have in the primate family. Apparently we lost precious time learning about the chimpanzees to know more about ourselves, when in reality the Bonobos are even closer to us as a species. They are a matriarchal society and the group is lead by the females. The kids hang around the mom’s and the males every now and then display some empty bravado and get chased promptly. The females of the species are the only one in the animal kingdom that is sexually active throughout the year. Maybe that explains their being a matriarchal society. The females know that they hold the key, all through their lives. And the babies who lose their mom and orphaned are ostracized from the community, though the other kids continue to play with the orphan. But not without complications! Any issue between the kids, the mother invariably punishes the orphan kid. And the poor orphan kid writhes in pain with no one to take care and the kids that played with it on the first place and became the reason for its punishment are the only ones that bother. They try to pacify the orphan and bring it back to normal mood. It was so very touching to see that. And at the same time, the adults do care about smaller animals of other species when they get hurt. They take them under their care and ensure that they set them alright.

These are the memories I mentioned that we forget. In the past, we have done such mistakes of interfering in the quarrels of children and in the process get difference of opinions amongst adults, while the children forget that in a minute and start playing. We should have held on to that memory and made ourselves as an evolved species in the literal sense. The community living, the power of women in the community, the care that we showed to other living things, every little thing like this, we have forgotten! Now today because of the civil war in the jungles of Africa, we are even making our closest cousins extinct for their meat.

And this we call as evolution!!!

Let it be

This one happens to be my most favorite song of all time. Yes I am devoted to the Beatles, but this one is a peach. For many reasons, one is Paul’s smoky voice but the clincher of a reason is the lyrics and the ruckus they created when they made the song. John once said that they were more popular than the Jesus Christ. They were confirmed agnosts and when Paul wrote about Mother Mary whispering words of wisdom in his times of trouble, it was considered as a path breaking deviation in their thought process. But Paul later told the world that he wrote about his mother who was named Mary who once appeared in his dream to give a piece of advice. This is the trivia about the song. But I dig what it stands for.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Though on a cursory look it appears as a disturbed man’s hopeful prayer, I think there is more to it. Many of the issues in our life, if left undisturbed and we can tell ourselves ‘Let it be’ get sorted by themselves is what I believe. But belief is one thing and practice is another thing. Certain things which doesn’t matter at all when time passes tend to occupy most part of our thoughts today. We are too worried about ‘what if’s?’ everyday. We tend to forget that the light still shines on us even when the night is cloudy. And there is someone who is always standing right in front of us. It is just a question of whether we are willing to hear the words of wisdom.

That is if we believe that we need wisdom.

Jaws

Fate catches up. Sometimes too soon in your life! Like when you are even just thirteen. I had been warning my daughter to brush her teeth properly and she finds exactly 10 seconds in a weekday for that chore and a princely 20 seconds on a Sunday. And you know what happens. Each tooth was proceeding in a different direction presenting a unique problem to dentistry, as if it has a mind on its own.

But she is so cute that the slipped order lent its own charm to her. And she was happy. It was I who suggested that we fix the issue. Didn’t know that if I was a dentist I would have been happier! Because you get to break people’s teeth and also get paid for that task more than what you are when you are a Business Head. We were given a choice of metal and ceramic braces, the ceramic one only being some 30K. It was another story where mom and daughter fought about which one should be chosen. My daughter looks pretty cute and there are already enough calls to home from her classmates, who incidentally happen to be boys. As it is I was spending a fortune on a cause which I would regret later and I wasn’t ready to double the cost and thus double the agony. Now & later! So we settled for a metal one. I even secretly wished that it will be a deterrent for the so called ‘classmates who happen to be boys’.

It started off with an expense even before I paid for the doctor. Since she was going to wear braces and she can’t eat hard stuff, she demanded that we go out that night for dinner. What she forgot was that she had separators fixed between her teeth to enable the fixture of braces. That was immensely painful and she could not eat. Having come to a restaurant and not being able was even more painful. So she went to the restroom and removed the separators!!! Thus it started. The next day was the actual fixing procedure and because of this adventure that got postponed.

The dentist saw the opportunity in this when she complained that the separators were too painful. So he decided to make more space in an alternate way. He removed a couple of teeth and I paid for it. It at last happened the next day. Now she is with metal all over her teeth and I have named her as Jaws. Her issue would be sorted out and she will turn out even more attractive.

But mine remains. She stays as cute as ever. And the calls don’t seem to stop!!!

Sidebar

My sidebar has been acting up. The damn thing is sitting at the bottom of my page. This I didn’t know for long. One day it suddenly disappeared and I attributed that to the Houdini stuff that is the norm in the household. I felt that I am being very harsh on my wife because we lost a fish and here I have a lost a sidebar. Fairness means that I should be blaming myself too for being a member of the ‘losing tribe’.

Sometimes it will appear to me there is really something suspicious about the mystery of such things getting lost. Fish & Sidebar kinda stuff! So, went to the extent of even thinking of taking some voodoo help. Anyway I was going to Kerala and with some luck if the voodoo guy is also not lost, I can figure out the shrouded mystery of our household. Sheer lack of time in the trip prevented that from happening. Don’t ask what why we were so short of time. Suddenly one guy started about the incompatibility he has with his wife and small things of life and there was a unanimous chorus.

When I resigned to my fate, I opened up the blog at home in Firefox and there it was, in all it’s splendor. That’s when I got my breath back. After all I am a responsible guy, I can’t be losing things like what folks at home do.

Now I am trying to fix that problem and there is too much of help available, just that none of them work for my blog. Change templates, remove pictures, shorten titles, check on the HTML codes, you name it, I have done it. Still the issue is not sorted out.

You know what; Firefox is a better browser than IE. Let us use that only.

It wasn't one more Birthday

I don’t know what I did to deserve such luck and honor!! Maybe it has got something to do with my previous birth when I hoarded tons and tons of blessings that I receive such a never ending supply of love and care. For I don’t see myself as a person who is very sensitive to others or as a great friend to people! I am such a lazy guy that I don’t take any effort to keep the flame of friendship burning forever and given the excess of phone calls I receive in a day, I hardly call my friends or even speak with them for 5 minutes straight when they call me. I don’t remember their special days in life; I don’t wish them and more often than not my actions had been selfish than the other way round. The circle is always limited to family and a few special friends. I don’t call my siblings on their birthdays or for that matter any other day. At office, I pretty much keep to myself and I can’t remember occasions where I have gone out of the way to do something for others. I have strong views on people’s actions and I don’t hesitate to say them in so many words.

I still don’t know why after all this folks show so much love. There had been a flurry of calls since last night and countless gifts for my birthday. Some of them being my classmates in college that I attended 22 years back. Guys from the previous office called me one by one and are planning a get-together on Saturday night.

The buzz has been around at home for a week now and my daughters stayed awake till 2 in the morning to welcome my birthday and keep that extended. My wife has been running around for a fortnight checking out on gifts that she could give me. And one special friend started working on those 3 months back. The kids in the office have decorated my room and have been running around for a cake and surprise me. I see genuine smile in people’s eyes when they walk across to wish me and it has been just a few months since I came into this office.

My eldest sister called me late in the evening and just before the birthday was about to end, gifted me a huge wooden elephant to reminisce my childhood days when she bought me a small one from her Kerala tour, which I ended up as a partner in my sleep for years to come. I kept that with me for around 20 years and it died one day. To gift me something similar when I am turning 42, just reconfirms the place I have in her mind. The kid brother always! I may grow up to the outside world. Never for the folks at home and I shamelessly retain that position and get extremely proud about it.

My daughter buys me a Boxing bag partly to serve as a vent to my anger but more for not ending up as a bag herself in my playful moods. My wife sends me a signal by gifting a Bluetooth device maybe suggesting that we should speak more than what we do now. And I had been wearing the device since it was given and atleast more than a couple of times demanded them to call me so that I will use it immediately. And she thoughtfully shops for bathmats and paper holders because I spend a lot of time reading in the bathroom in which I expect a dry floor. The younger one hand paints a greeting with the National Flag along with the cakes, candles and balloons.

My best friend goes overboard and remembers every single occasion that we had been shopping together and me casually saying that I like something. She prints my blogs as a book with carefully chosen photographs and spending days to get the layout right. She buys me a cycle because I once told that I could never own a cycle all my life because folks won’t buy me and later I grew up to buy only the Chevrolets of the world. She makes a collage of the family photos and buys a self tuning guitar ( maybe she wants me play it atleast once in tune ). Gets me a hand made glass idol of my favorite Goddess and just not to disappoint me folks also get me the n’th sneaker, (n+1)’th shirt.

To celebrate a birthday like this seems to be a throwback to childhood days. Even that I don’t remember to be of such great pomp and love. There should be something that is endearing in me to all these folks. If you ask me, I may not be a great friend to me if I am what I am. And I don’t know what makes me so special to them.

And I don’t think I can ever repay such love. Whatever I may try would not match these gifts. It makes the job of a lazy guy even tougher. But what other motivation could be there for someone to attempt?

Picasso said “It takes a long time to grow young” and Lincoln said “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, it is the life in your years” and mine has been filled with life so far and I am marching towards growing young. And with such special people around, I sometimes get pretty greedy about wanting a hundred more birthdays!!

One More Birthday

Another birthday is getting over tomorrow. I don’t remember the earlier ones of my life or its significance. However, these days it is becoming a big affair. As if I am a star or a minister. There are too many people who call without fail to wish and I get flooded with presents. These are the people whom you know in the real sense; add to this, droves of people in the office who walk in to wish. Maybe because I sit inside a cabin and that means even not-so-known people peep in to wish.

Year on year I get to know more people, some of them get really close and a few become an integral part of my life. This means the list only keeps growing. The ones who are in the ‘known’ list are genuinely warm and the integral parts starts partying for this a week before.

I sometimes pity the people who would want to buy gifts for me. There was a time in life there were desires and needs. By God’s grace every single thing of them had been met and some of them superfluously met. Like 12 watches, 14 sneakers, 50 T Shirts, 85 Shirts, 6 perfumes and so on! I have more music collected with me that could last my lifetime or beyond, if I choose to listen to all of them in one go. Don’t ask about books; whoever gifts it would probably be secretly cursed in the same breath as I would thank them. Because the house is running out of space and with the current real estate trends, it is becoming a costly desire just because of storage space. The ones that warm me invariably are the hand painted greetings of my daughters, because that involves hell a lot of effort and every centimeter is filled with love. Being a man is a nuisance to the gifters that much. Choice is limited for a man. Come to think of it the only thing that would really make me feel wow is based on the effort and time the gifter has to put in choosing mine. Even Google doesn’t help you much in this area. So you can imagine, if God fails who can win. So when my father in law called me to find out what gift I wanted for this Bday, I told him that I have got all I want and one thing I would love to have more is ‘peace of mind’ and he replied that my wife would be giving a piece of her mind if that is so! But there are special friends who make every single thing count even in midst of these mounting challenges! Because of their genuine desire to see happiness in my eyes!

One of my friends had it as a habit in his family that they will get themselves dewormed on the Birthday. Just for plain convenience of remembering this annual ritual. I too have picked 2 habits lately. One is that I donate some money without fail. And store those thank you letters for the organizations like treasure. Second habit is taking stock of what I have done in this life. Though I think of it every year, I don’t stop with the preceding year only as an update. I go through the whole works again. Some stuff of the past gives me perspective, some give me smiles, some give me tears and some give me desire to do it again and some give me plain irritation about naivety and adamancy. I vow myself that I would not repeat any of the stupid things of the past and these resolutions are shorter lived than the New Year ones.

As I grow wiser every year I also realize that I am getting softer in my brain. Small things please me more than the big ones. As if I am a geriatric, thing that happened yesterday gets forgotten but I remember dates of small events that occurred some 30 years back. My audacity gets reduced year on year and I convince myself that it is a sign of wisdom. I get more agitated at the choice of dresses by my daughter, the very same ones I have not minded my wife wearing 15 years back. I keep telling myself that I am not turning into a prude but just being more careful about what is to be done. At the same breath, do stuff for which I never had the courage as a youngster. Sentences with the same count of words are spoken for longer time now because it is punctuated is err..’s.

Couple of years back when I turned forty I was almost getting into a depression because of that, as if that marks a watershed in life. Now when I know that I will again feel the same way only when I turn eighty, I can afford a laugh. I was wondering whether I was going through andropause. Nothing of that kind happened. And I stopped thinking about age unless when it is convenient to me or every year around the birthday to complete the ritual of stock taking.

Actually I guess I only grow younger. There is a reverse aging process and now I am worried where that will stop. At 18 like Bryan Adams sang or even lesser? That is a cause for worry. After all I am becoming old; I need something to worry about!!

Mush & Bush

These guys seem to be the perfect couple I have seen for a long time. If only they were married, they might have celebrated a platinum jubilee or something of that sort together.

Reason is simple, both of them ditch each other without batting an eyelid, or so we think. But looks like they are aware of the ditching that is imminent! One tells the other that ‘Hey better watch out I am gonna to do something that will make you hang your head in shame and eat your words, but I suppose you will back me up, whatever you may say in public’.

Look at what all this Dynamic Duo has achieved. Together they cultivated the terrorists. OK, it is Papa Bush and not this errant kid. But nonetheless, Kid Bush is a perfect son material whose only aim seems to be completing the unfinished task of Papa. The Americans wanted the Taliban against the Russians and Mush was the perfect foil to foster them and he did so also. And suddenly the Frankenstein of the terrorists fly a plane inside buildings in the US of A and our Superman is agitated ( for once correctly so, I always believe that India also should be giving such fitting reply Vijayakanth style ). They need a place to start the raids from and whom do they call? Their best ally against terrorism, the great Mush! This guy is not a terrorism fighter, actually he transfers terrorists. So he tells them ‘OK Guys, the theatre of operations has changed and all of you can you please relocate to Kashmir’.

Everyone is pleased because an American life is more precious than an Indian life and that has been achieved. But the terrorists seem to add salt in their food, so they don’t take the slight so easily. So they fight against our friend Mush making him a martyr in the process and he clamps emergency for this reason, while the real one is to cling on to office. The saviors of Democracy, the Americans turn a blind eye but makes all & sundry to comment that they don’t approve of Mush’s actions. As if he cares! Because he is anyway too mushy with the Bush!

But for the love affair, Americans would have trampled all over Pakistan like what they would do if it was Iraq, Grenada, and Fiji etc. They instead broker peace between the democratic face of Pakistan and the dictator and make a good package for international press to gobble up. If things become worse, they might provide asylum to Mush in the white house ( after all there are too many bedrooms in there ) and hatch a whole new plot.

I would really appreciate it when I see Bush ditching Mush in reality, because then it would be a true American response ‘All things but American are expendable’. If not, we will wait for the wedding anniversary of the most celebrated couple in the world!!!

Indomitable Showman

Orson Welles was known as the ‘Indomitable Showman’. He excelled in theatre and cinema. And whatever he did was a show. I started thinking the same about myself. Not in a stage though. Somehow everything that I do happens to look like a show. Not that I want to put up a show. In fact most of the times, I simply act on impulse and later it turns out to be something phenomenal. As if I had sat and squeezed my brain to effect such a coup.

Guess, my life is driven by a predetermined script. In a way I think everybody else’s too. And if that is true, God had been in a terrific mood when He scripted mine. As though he wanted to create one of his best scripts, with the right twists and turns and the protagonist winning at the end! Not a very original script, nonetheless an interesting one.

On all occasions in life, I let my impulse run the next course of the events. It is not exactly impulse. But an attempt to be honest to myself! It is something like ‘Is this what you want to do, ok then do it’. And then worry about the consequences later. Unless the action and its results are illegal stuff! Mind you, I mentioned illegal, not about social code of conduct or morality blah blah. I need to have substantial reason to cross that line maybe.

Whoever visits my place get awestruck. They have one look at the house and the kind of fun all of us have in the family and really start feeling insufficient in life. Some of them have come back to tell me that I have a great family as if I sat and created one like that. In fact, my life runs on providence. I never put on a belly despite gallons of beer. That was one example. My kids are the clichéd chip of the block. They put up an even better show for the audience. And so is my wife. She gets into her humorous best when there are people watching us, and cracks all jokes only at my expense. Plus the fact I have a terrace that overlooks the sea and many a visitor had been unequivocal in their opinion that I have the best home. And we hide from such people for the rest of our lives. Because if they hazard a revisit they might see one member less in the house, as we are in a constant attempt to decimate the others. What cute kids they would say, and these cute kids are the most dangerous living assassins in the whole world. And what a nice pair they would ay about me and my wife. Ok I am not telling anything now!

The point I was trying to make is that, none of these shows are preplanned. Maybe it is genetically coded. Because we just take the stage and perform. Or maybe that is what is our true nature and assassination attempts are for plain fun. This house on the seafront, I have written earlier too. Happened out of sheer luck! Never had an inclination to buy a house, leave alone a penthouse at the beach! But, a hangover that prevented me to go to office which lead to reading the newspaper in full and attending a property fair during the weekend because of that and landing in this house the same day.

Now I did something similar this Sunday. Saw an advertisement in the paper for plots at Kodaikanal and went ahead and booked it. He wanted 50% of the value for booking and I had 5% with me. But as usual, bullied, pulled strings and make him accept that. Now, looking back, I would own a house in the beach and a hill station. Can’t get better isn’t it?

It is as if I am destined to be a showman. Point is that this impulse stuff is extremely dangerous. I have 4 days to make up 5 Lacs and I don’t have a damnedest clue on how I can do that. Anyway let’s leave it to the script writer. Why bother too much? It is His plot and let Him unravel the knot.

My business is just to be of a showman!

Irreverence

Have always been thinking that how much people listen to you is directly proportional to how irreverent you are about issues. I guess it is a vicarious pleasure. There are things that you want to do and want to say, but something stops you from saying that and when someone else does that, you either feel happy about the fact that your thoughts have been echoed or the fact that someone at last gets to say what you always wanted to say.

It is mainly because we are too strait-laced to speak out our mind. I read somewhere that no one ever says that a new born infant looks like a monkey. In fact many of them look so. It is only after a week or two they have some features that get prominent differentiating it from a monkey. But all of us say the baby looks cute. No I am not saying that you tell the parents that their new born looks like a monkey. You don’t even confess that to your partner. Really funny!

There are always two things that are expressed. First is what your mind tells you and the next is what the social compulsions make your tongue to say. Few years back, when I was referring about a girl at office to one of my friends, he acted as if he has heard the name for the first time. In fact that lady is cynosure of many eyes at office and I was surprised that he hasn’t noticed her so far. And then told myself, maybe I am afflicted with a chronic disease of getting to know about all good looking women. Later I learnt that when he had a chance to speak with that girl, he had some 3 years of common history to share and lot many common friends. This guy had known about her all along, but simply feigned ignorance. Now tell me, why on earth you would act like that?

That brings up the point of this blog. Saying something honest has become irreverence. When I keep telling what strikes my mind and am pretty sure that it is the same way majority population of the earth would feel, I say that. And I become an irreverent speaker while everyone squirms in their seat when they hear but imagine themselves saying it. Kamal Haasan tells this dialogue in a movie ‘I think it is better to study and go to an exam than visiting a temple and attending the exam’. Absolutely true! No one stops from going to the temple, but then you should first study. Now people think it is an atheist statement. God is an examiner, yes! But not for your answer papers in a 10th standard board exam!

So, I was rather surprised when I listened to another dialogue from the movie ‘Man of the Year’, when Jack Menken says this to Tom Dobbs “Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence”.

Actually it is the other way round. Honesty never undercuts irreverence, it accentuates that. If you are honest, you tell what you feel and that invariably becomes an irreverent statement. Because half the world is made up of liars.

Delirium

Of late, my blogs have increasingly become critical about marriages. And invariably they are the ones that get the maximum responses and I keep joking about how I stir up the dormant emotions in everyone’s mind. This is yet another post about marriage. But it is slightly different.

All the while, I kept seeing marriages through the prism of the married lives of my friends & acquaintances, or sometimes my own and look at all the stuff that goes wrong with the institution of marriage. Most of them tend to agree and some like Sid differ. In this entire melee, I completely stopped thinking about the great feeling it can create. Mostly, in the bunch of guys we are, if someone says that he is getting married, we feel sorry for him and start cracking the typical jokes. Not once we had jumped in joy about the news.

Today was such a day. But before that listen to this story! There is this girl. Who happens to the cutest you have seen in a long time and an absolute pet to the bunch of rowdies that we are. Surprisingly, all of us took such a liking towards her, that she became that kid sister for us. She worked with us. And most times guys were afraid of her questions than their boss’s. She can create terror in the mind and absolutely nonchalant about the childish behavior of many of us. And she was a very trustworthy soul that each one of us sometime or other would have confided things that we would probably be ashamed to confess to others. She never had been judgmental about any of us and maybe saw us as grownup kids. In effect she was the best friend each one of us could have when we were so to each other in the gang.

And there is this kid guy in the gang. Each one of us is called by a relationship and his was that of a kid brother. To all of us! And the pastime of the bunch is to tease him to tears. He is such a sport that he never takes anything personally and laughs for the jokes cracked at his expense. Anything and everything there will be some wisecrack at that guy. And there is no mercy shown or indecency spared. The whole party gets livelier and livelier when the jokes start flowing on his account.

Then we all split from the workplace. In a gap of around 2 months, none of us worked in the old place and by some good grace, a few of us landed in the same place, but the ties were so strong that, one cannot see beyond this gang. The loyalty was very clear and there was no inclination and energy to find new friends, as we were invariably in touch with each other.

The girl works in the office as two of us. And she walks in today to tell me that she is getting married. Normally I would have taken such news calmly and with some close friends laugh at him and say why on earth he would fall into such a trap. But with her, it was different. All of us wanted her to get married and our only worry was that she should find the right guy. And then she also tells there is another good news, which is the news of the kid brother also getting married. Life can’t throw such surprises in the same day. And then she tells me they are marrying each other. Give me something that can be better than this. Impossible! Two of the people whom you loved so much and they decided to get married and what else can be better?

This created a laugh riot in the gang through a teleconference and as usual his legs were pulled and condolence messages poured for that girl. But each of us knew that we were so proud of our friend, or rather friends and we were laughing our guts out because that is the only and the strongest emotion we could show. But there was happiness in everybody’s voice and huge pride in his voice particularly.

If there is one marriage I want to last for eons filled with smiles and happiness every second, this would be that. Because it happens between two of the best people and they deserve nothing lesser.

But suddenly he needs to be respected more now, lest we get censured by her. Ellam neram!!

Pony Tail

I should probably be the only bald guy in planet earth to use a detangler. Let me explain. Guess I read somewhere that all self respecting guys in their teens, want to be a communist, grow their hair, want to play the guitar, zip in a motorbike, get bitten by wanderlust and write poetry.

I have self respect. So I was no different. I had all these desires barring poetry. Didn’t want to torture others, you see. I always wanted to be a communist and even before I was into my tenth standard, I was running behind these communist party members distributing their vote clips. I and my friend once thought that Cuba should be the best country to live in. Bought a bike somehow and zipped around.

What eluded me though were the guitar thing and the long hair. That’s because I wanted the combination. Both of them together! Once upon a time, I had hair in my head, but no opportunity to buy and play the guitar. Atlast, when I had the money, I bought a guitar. But that is when the hair deserted me.

It was so bad that I was managing the hairdo in such a way that I didn’t look bald. If it was raining, despite my desire to drench in that, I never ventured out, because then the cat will be out of the bag. The few strands of hair that I had will get pasted on the head. Let it rain, who cares was always my attitude.

But luckily I found out that I had typical male pattern baldness. That meant that bald in the front, the hair at the back was ok. So started growing it! It is one thing that hair will grow and it is another thing that it will grow as long as you desire. Ultimately I guess it took two years completely to have a decent pony tail.

Now with the rubber bands, pony tail and the guitar, I have started learning. But the issue is that the rubber bands tangle the precious pony tail. And I use the detangler. I don’t think the Hindustan Levers of the world would have ever imagined that even bald guys could be the target segment.

For me, as long as it grows I don’t care whether it tangles. Tell me one thing that grows without entanglement and enmeshment.

Kingfisher

Flying Kingfisher is quite an experience. One of the best airlines I have been with, these guys really go out of the way to make you comfortable. Not without issues though. It is the sort of concern typical Madurai folks show. They are there always, whether you need them or not!

First, I guess Kingfisher guys take your home address somehow while you book the tickets. I say this with a reason. The airport is around 17 km from my place. But at around the 10th kilometer near Guindy itself, I see these red shirts. These guys are prowling around to see whether any one is carrying a Kingfisher ticket sleeve. If you do, that’s it. They almost fight and get the luggage from your hand. Maybe, even if the luggage is comfortably kept in the boot of the car, they will somehow manage to get it collected and carry it while they are seated in the car. So much passion they have towards helping you. Well things haven’t gone this bad yet.

But, surely they prowl in the airport car alighting point. With that expectant look of a pimp in their face! And they just have to know that you are flying KF. One day, this guy just plucked the luggage from my hand and started walking that I started shouting ‘thief, thief’. Who knows really! It could be so, isn’t it? Then understood that he was a KF guy trying to help me! They tag along you all the way till you check in and pass through the security check. You can never have any independent mind. If you want to drink a coffee or browse through in the bookshop, just forget it if you are flying KF. They will not allow you, because they want to help you.

And the hostess’s!! They would not let you rest unless you agree to have something. It is almost as if they have cooked it personally and it is an affront to refuse the food. It becomes such a scene when they constantly implore you and you keep refusing that the fellow passengers start thinking that you have a row with them.

I don’t know how far they are going to carry this service. Guess the next time they will send someone home to pack my stuff and if I fly business class, maybe I will get a hostess coming home the previous night itself. :P

Retirement Plans

Apparently 82% of India’s rich do not have retirement plans. I don’t know whether I qualify as rich, hence belong to this group, but am sure that I would belong to the category of ‘no retirement plans’. Somehow never been serious about saving money! I keep reading about a serial article on a Tamizh weekly on how people manage their monthly budget.

Every one of them seems to save atleast some 10% of their salary. I have never done that so far. I never could see myself holding back on spending on something I wanted then, thinking about keeping that money for something I would want later. Maybe it is not in my DNA. I don’t think that my dad had any savings at all. But my brothers are good planners. I probably picked that gene exclusively.

My philosophy about money was always different. I have never thought of saving some 30% of the salary when as an absolute amount it was peanuts. In fact that 30% amount could be a day’s salary now. But funnily I don’t save that absolute amount even now. Surprisingly I am never scared about it either.

Every now and then a thought will creep in, about how these kids today are so smart that they start saving and hoarding money from the first year of their employment. Folks who had worked only for 1 year so far have more bank balance than me. Only saving grace is that my credit worthiness keeps increasing as my play slip gets better and better.

Couple of occasions I have sat through analyzing where money goes, and with the benefit of hindsight also I see nothing that I could stop spending from. Maybe yes, I can control the spend on superfluous stuff, like more clothes, more music, more movies and more eat-outs. But tell me one thing, all along your life when you were a kid or when you were earning some paltry sum, you always wanted a few things and you never had the money for it and suddenly you find yourself capable of getting them, should you stop yourself from that indulgence?

One doesn’t even know how long they can pull along and setting aside money for a late life, sacrificing happiness of the current one is similar to the Egyptians leaving stuff in the pyramids for the mummies. What will I do with that money if I don’t get a chance to spend? What if I cut on my beer now and save the money, and when I retire if I become a diabetic, who will drink the beer? Or for all you know, I may not even like beer anymore. And that today’s beer money will be spent on the then current indulgence! So why not indulge while you are still taking a conscious choice?

I also hate to imagine some doomsday theory like, what if I get incapacitated and not capable of earning, and what if I don’t have enough money to have a decent life if I pull on more than what I plan to! In fact, the guys who make retirements plans today are anyway planning for a maximum of 20 years from retirement, but what will happen if with all the modern medical advancement, you happen to live till 100. Living in penury from 80 to 100, is worse than taking that chance while you are at 60 and healthy enough to work still.

Well all these are not excuses for my incompetence to save money. I can save if I really apply my mind. But I keep postponing every year, thinking that the next year I would need only this much money to retain my happiness and the excess salary can go into saving, but then these buggers in every budget increase the beer cost, taxes etc. Maybe I will take a tough call this year. But still I will not be a fully convinced guy about sacrificing something which is very clear and present for what I assume to be future.

Afterall money or no money, once you grow older, you become senile and you only become a nuisance to your kids. It is not that, if I was a millionaire, my kids treat me better. In fact I know these lovely ones. They would always treat me the same.

And hopefully return the pocket money I give to them now. And that is some investment I am making!! If I can’t trust them to provide for me and if I have to trust a bank more, I might as well die than retire.

Honest Rascals

One of the biggest problems with men seems to be the constant efforts that they take to woo women. Irrespective of their age and the women’s age! I am not generalizing here. I am very very certain about what I say. Kushwant Singh cites one of the three most obnoxious habits of Indian men is ‘name dropping’. He talks more about people who peddle favors by dropping names. And I include name dropping of a different kind.

I have seen many an intelligent man, who has a wide spectrum of knowledge. Be it music, literature, theater, history, sarcastic wit, academics, gift of the gab, writing, you name it, they are there. But the biggest issue is that you will never get to know it if you are a male yourself. All these are reserved skills and knowledge. Applicable only if your anatomy is different from theirs. Highly respectable otherwise, they would not waste a chance to display their array of awareness, and you get lucky only if you don’t mind wearing a sari.

What is it with these men? In fact when I listed out the knowledge set, I was wondering I may qualify too. But despite my self-deprecating writing tendency and a penchant for flirting, I am unable to include myself in that list. I have never once used Somerset Maugham to get me a female listener. Of course I have ended up discussing a few of these names, but that’s when I realized that they do share the passion on specific areas of my interest. And it makes a good conversation. And obviously I don’t dig more of Maugham the next day and keep asking them whether they read this book or that book. I may have even ended up trading books, but never once called to find out whether they read that and what they liked about it.

But this breed is different. Maybe they read the dictionary for a pastime and choose 10 words for the day and then create situations that will warrant usage of these words. I had this friend of mine who carried a Financial Management book when he came home for a coffee. That joker could have left it in the car. His idea was to make me know that he reads that book. Now that is something. Firstly I am not a female. Second, I would probably laugh at people who read a FM book even if the next day is a semester exam. You don’t read such books!

That clown was an exception. Maybe he had some aspiration desires and he tried to impress me with that book. But the clan that I talk about will never display this intelligence anywhere else, but if a chance occurs they will pound the females, non stop with their awareness levels. I probably want to call them Googlies. Quite an apt name, guys who would Google any information on earth just to parade their gray cells and the intentions anyway is the wrong way. I feel it is an insult to do this intellectual strip tease. Maybe they would not mind doing the real one if they pack six-pack abs. For them, they should be seen. But why not show everyone yaar?! Why reserve it only for the other gender? Do you think that men don’t deserve such honor? Or, are you afraid that you will have to endure the spectacle of an intellectual strip tease in return?

And who tells them that this is what woos women? I have heard of guys who will see palms and palm themselves off in the bargain. Should be world’s oldest trick as a dialogue opener I guess. I am certain that the women who are subjected to this are having a hearty laugh themselves and maybe compare notes. “Hey did that joker come to you and tell that you sing like Lata Mangeshkar”. And they know there are atleast a million Lata’s in the office space, if they happen to croon and look good also.

My friends luckily are the ones who don’t even get inspired by my beer drinking prowess. If I manage to adopt such techniques, they will straight tell me ‘Moodu’( meaning ‘close’, but in a very derogatory tone ). And the ones who really think I am intelligent are the ones who are intelligent themselves, so they can see through it, if it is a part of a mating dance. So, I don’t attempt such daredevilry. More often than not, it pays to tell what runs in your mind, rather than enlisting the services of Gabriel García Márquez's ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’. Primarily because I haven’t read that book! And the ones that I read like Penthouse Letters are not quotable even if it is a wild woman. And after all this, any which way I am accused of being a scene stealer. One thing I always did was, I kept these tools and flirting separated. Never had followed up the next day on what was an ice-breaker the previous day. I thought long and hard whether it was a unique strategy employed by me, but at the end of it gave myself the benefit of doubt. Whatever I did was an adult transaction and that I think is an honest behavior.

The ‘forward kings’ (because they first forward the mails they receive to a set of girls and then only read it themselves) are actually backward in nature. So I would rather wait and get those forward’s from the very same girls. These are very adolescent characteristics. Amateur psychology, Amateur astrology, Listening to English songs for the heck of it and parading those are all samples of such traits! If one is carrying these well into their adulthood, one would make a fool of himself.

And the worst insult is that women don’t even attempt such stuff. They are supremely confident that any which way we will do all the hard work, or they simply think that men aren’t worth the effort. And we constantly prove them right! Or, they think that all these attempts are not needed because, as I read somewhere men think with some other apparatus other than brain. Shame on you Brother!

I may sound patronizing and also appear painting myself as above all these, which I am not. As a fellow member of the clan, I have one piece of advice for you. Look for the new John Miller advertisement. There is enough space in this earth for Good Looking Rascals. Maybe I will change it a wee bit. There is space for Honest Rascals.

Be one!