Shock of my Life

Electricity is a dangerous thing. We have heard it many times. I, in particular am so scared of getting a shock. So much so, while I was in college in the EE Lab, I used to switch off the mains every time I changed circuits. One professor was watching this with amusement and asked me politely what was I trying to do. When I explained, he retorted, why didn’t you think about going to the sub station and switch off the mains there.

OK, I once again got a big shock yesterday. That was not because of any indiscretion from my part. It was the bill !! It was 4440 bucks. I didn’t know how we missed out the 4 in the tens unit !! Could have been a great number then, 4444! Apart from this there was nothing funny about it. Can you imagine, your bill running so high? For a moment I thought maybe Sun has taken a holiday only at our place.

Then I knew! It was the daughters! My suspicion is that these guys eat electricity and am going to crosscheck the provision bill for the month. That should be lesser. Afterall there is only so much kids can eat and they can't eat both electricity and normal stuff. My younger one walks into the house after a long 3 Hr school straight into her room, switches on the TV and AC. Then it is on all the time. So much so, that when I enter their room in the night to say Good night, I feel I am in Siberia and maybe think of taking visa next time. How on next morning these kids wake up soft is a mystery. They should actually be frozen and on tripping they should break. Maybe one day we will create history by getting frostbites in a place like Chennai.

If that was one piece of the puzzle, the other is our AC. My guess is that the machine should be older than Julius Caesar. It drones and drones. It actually doubles up as an anti-theft burglary alarm also. That’s why I haven’t thrown it off still. It makes more noise than it cools, that anyone attempting to break in will think that everybody is awake and there is a huge war happening and out of sheer safety compulsions, he would not attempt the task. Now, can you ill-treat a machine which does something beyond it’s brief? Where is compassion then? Anyway, my conscience working this way surely adds up to the bill though. Point is that, this grand old AC sucks up life from all other appliances also. The rest of them, dim and start moaning and one by one start dying soon I am sure.

And, my folks are a funny lot. The kitchen faces the sea at my house ( that’s another story unto itself, the builder for want of maintaining the vasthu has tucked the bedroom in one remote corner of the house and provided a great view of the sea from the kitchen. ). This means that the Sun is right up there in the morning coming into the kitchen. You know what these guys did? Since it was so hot, they covered the windows with a dark sunscreen and keep it closed. So, the light & heat is cut off. To have it in the ideal level, they then employ the fan and lights.

And of course the TV! One day when the younger one wasn’t there, I was completely restless. Then realized that without the voice of Popeye, Johnny Bravo, squeaking of Jerry, Bob the Builder and the Ninja Turtles, I am a goner. These guys actually own the living room. And one day I am certain they all would be sitting on the dining table with my kids.

Leave the washing machine that eats our money more than cleans, the refrigerator that is completely stuffed all the time, but does not produce one decent thing for you to eat when you want, the PC that suffers from a delusion of working on a 24 Hrs shift. These are the side cast.

It looks like it may cost me lesser if I pay 50 bucks everyday to the EB lineman to switch off the fuse in the post that carries the supply to my house. But then I would be searching the light of my life perennially then!!

Starstruck

I can’t understand our obsession with the film stars. For anything and everything we need them. Be it a Diwali day program on TV or a product launch, these guys are always there. And some of them would probably not know why they are there on first place. And absolutely ignorant of anything topical!

What are they doing in an event like a portal launch? Half of them would not know what Internet is!! Maybe they will seriously think that it has got something to do with mosquitoes. Not every star is so foolish, I know a few who swear by the Net; have their own blogs etc. But they don’t sell! The media doesn’t get excited. Or they will be 'out of market' actors who get qualified only for launching textile and jewelry shops. Prasanth and Laila are addicted to the Net. Maybe they can really add some real glitter to an event like this. But who cares? Everyone wants only Nameetha and how less she wears. That is if you want only stars for your event.

But if you are willing to look beyond, there are real stars like writers who have their Web-pages, written books in Tamizh about the Net, or involved in user’s associations etc! These guys can really lend some credibility and image to such an event. But it appears that Publicity means parading cinema stars, who capture the imagination of the media, make reporters come and write about their etiquette and attire than the event by itself.

I am really sick of this obsession. If you visit the page www.ted.com, you get all kinds of interesting video lectures from renowned people on various subjects on earth, but then who cares about all these, as long as we can see Nameetha’s thigh. Because that’s where the future of this country lies, for all you might know she could be our next Chief Minister.

Nice guys finish second

This term was beaten to death when Stefan Edberg was consistently losing at one point of time in his career. Superficially it appears to be true all the times.

We keep seeing all the guys who are something somewhere are not all that nice. Guys, who mean one thing and say another thing. A friend of mine had a theory about this, about one of our ex-bosses. He never used to open his mouth fully when he says something. My friend kept insisting that somehow I feel what he says is not honest. Which was proved more than once! And I used to tell, maybe his devil side says what he is saying and somewhere deep inside, there is a good side that stops him from telling completely, and hence subconsciously restricts the movement of his lips.

Well, not everyone has such good side in them. If they have, it is a well-kept secret, to even themselves. So, they all are pretty eloquent when it comes to telling stuff that they don’t mean a word about. The megalomaniacs we have seen in history are such characters. I guess they hallucinate and believe in their own lies. And I never cease to amaze about their ability to tell white lies. Anyway, these are people who reach places. Maybe they lose at the end. Whenever I get into the trip of how bad guys get all the good things, there are soul mates who never fail to remind me that ultimately whatever can be construed as real happiness is already there with me and the bad guys will lose at sometime.

I continue to argue saying that a villain in a movie has a great life all through the 3 hours while the hero struggles, so how does it matter if the villain dies at the end. You anyway don’t stay back in the cinema to see how happy the others were. That’s how it is in real life too. Bad guys keep winning everywhere and probably you won’t be around to see their downfall. Either you will change teams, or jobs or maybe even kick the bucket. What is the use in believing about ‘one day these guys will get their share’? Only way to tackle this is you also becoming a bad guy. But unfortunately for many of us, that’s not the way we have practiced our lives. So, we would never do.

But let me tell you one thing. Nice guys may finish second. But not all who finish second are nice. : ))

Me ( n ) & Cooking

There are many typecasts for men as much as it is for women. Like the whole Universe believes that women can’t reverse the car properly, men are seen as someone who can’t boil a decent pot of water. Not withstanding the fact that there are as many women driving cars as men and all the Chefs in the hotels are always men.

Me, I freak out on cooking. I call it therapeutic and get into the nerves of people around me. I get all kinds of rejoinders. How it can be therapeutic? Try doing that everyday! Try making the same stuff again & again! But I hold my ground firmly. Because that’s how I feel!

For me, it starts from chopping vegetables. I don’t allow anyone else to do that. And the main ingredient of all my cooking is Kingfisher. No, I don’t add beer to the recipe as they add wine in the west. This is for me, taken raw and cold. While I do the prep. If somebody else cuts the vegetables, I am somehow never happy.

And then I need some hundred people & pans for my help. An elaborate ritual of getting things set for the actual action. And then the creativity starts flowing. No recipe is followed as it is. It will always be stuff that I want to add. That’s all. So are the measures, they are always by feel. Then it is the fate of people who eat. So far no one has died and that’s good news. But I don’t know whether it could be something dormant and suddenly act up one fine day. I have never had a good taste of what I made. Either others gobble it up or I am well into my beer to taste really. But at the end of it, it’s great fun. I come out of the kitchen as if I have won a war and the place mercifully does not look like a horse stable. I am obsessed about that part. Only issue is that the sink is full of dishes that the maids need to use the sensory perceptions to reach the tap.

I guess I cook well. My daughters don’t stay in their grandparent’s place if they know I am getting into the kitchen and Krithi surely is extremely decent to give nothing but good feedback. My wife is more relieved that the ordeal is over, but neither has she complained much. Sorry she also has said that I do cook pretty well ( I don’t know whether there is some hidden agenda in there ) Afterall I think cooking runs in my blood. My mother is a great cook. But then she is a woman!!

Progress of Politicians

No, no don’t think I am a dreamer. For using a phrase which is contradictory in terms! Politicians won’t progress. That I know clearly. I was coming to something else.

The Printing industry in the country has seen tremendous advancement in recent years as much as others. That’s what is causing this progress. There was a time when any announcement on public meetings, functions were done is cheap materials. The supposedly larger than life politicians were all just stencil drawings. And then slowly it started improving and anyone who was willing to spend money wishing the leader a million years of life was duly noticed and rewarded with some posts that promised a lot of potential. So it was a rich man’s exclusive sycophancy game.

But now Vinyl’s are so cheap. Almost anyone can spend a little and put up huge billboards etc. You anyway don’t pay the corporation fee if you are in politics, so just making charges alone. So much so that even a family function like a girl attaining puberty is advertised big time with all the mug shots of what we call in Tamizh as ‘sutratthar & uravinar’ ( meaning Relatives & Neighbors ). Even I am tempted to erect a cutout for myself in front of my house when I get a new job. Just putting some names wishing me well and claiming me as the lifelong occupant of the new position and savior of the world. Only thing that stops me is the pathetic condition of these vinyls after a few days. There was this poster in which half the face of a guy got peeled off and it was extremely scary to see at nights. I would be damned if he would have maintained his self-esteem had he seen that.

Coming back to Politicians, didn’t I say that they have progressed? Now it is time to explain. All I meant was that their faces are clear now in the announcement. They are not that cartoons anymore. And not at the mercy of the painter’s hands. And that’s progress. And on the other hand, since everyone can play the bootlicking game so easily, now it is time for his or her creativity to capture the imagination of the leaders. Like fire-walking, padayatra’s etc. And that’s progress too!!!

Miracles

There is a news item in today’s TOI that it is a miracle that planes land safely in Indian runway’s, enlightenment dawned after the Brazil tragedy. Many times I have shared my thoughts on how air travel itself is a tragedy in India. However, I should accept that this has put a strong spoke in my travel plans that were anyway a non-starter because of weary legs and lack of motivation. I am not traveling. Period.

But coming back to miracles, my favorite anecdote always has been this dialogue between the Yaksha & Yudhistra in Mahabharatha. He says that the belief of people that they will live forever, when they see people dying all around them everyday as the biggest miracle. I thought I would list a few that I encounter myself.

• Brainless people controlling the fate of millions. Sometimes even a few hundreds!!
  
• Jayalalitha and her survival as a politician still.
  
• Belief of the financial institutions that they can sell loans through telecalling.
  
• Belief of hardcore optimists like me that things will eventually turn out to be good at office.
  
• People who behave as friends but do not have a single honest thought spoken out.
  
• Nice guys always finishing second.
  
• Ability of my erstwhile team to laugh and stay happy while under extreme duress in reality.
  
• Tamilnadu Congress party and their belief that they mean something to us.
  
• The Directors who always think that their movie is different from others.
  
• Folks who put up with me

In fact this could be an endless list, so much so that I will kill the sanctity of miracles themselves. But I should stop somewhere. I need to get busy creating a miracle. To stay focused on my seemingly important task.

What resides in the head???

Read today that some larvae have taken up residence in a man’s head at Dallas. Apparently it looked like a bump, but a bump that was moving under the skin. Obviously our friend was shit scared.

I don’t understand what the hoopla is all about. I keep meeting many people everyday who seem to have everything inside their head but brains. Luckily for them since they had been living like that for eternity they don’t get too suspicious or worried about their condition. And they also lack the fundamental part of the human body to even take cognizance of that fact.

I will tell you why I am being so certain. I see people act in a manner that is just exactly opposite to what commonsense would demand. What else but botfly larva would reside in their head? Even a fossil presence of what we call as brain would make them aware of what they are doing. But they don’t. Seemingly straightforward stuff eludes their understanding.

But if you look at them, they look like normal human beings. The head is not in a hexagonal shape or something because there is nothing inside. Looks fairly OK to me. So something else is filling the vacuum up. Before I got too restless to know what could be that filler, this larvae news came. And now I am relaxed. I know what it is. Maybe the change in behavior between two stupid people depends on the fly. Like if it is butterfly larvae it is one way, it is another way if its botfly.

The only thing that still eludes me is how these larva heads reach where they have reached!!!

Rocket Science

The famous refrain in sales meetings is this statement ‘It is not rocket science’. Well, guess I have become adept in that science too. These are not real rockets though, but paper arrows.

I never had to worry about the raw material for these rockets. There is a steady supply of them anyway on all days. I am talking about paper inserts that poor souls like me distribute after considerable expense of brain & money. Originally I have never been a strong proponent of this kind of communication exercise. I always complain that they are useless and they fall in the toilet ( if you are someone like me who can’t crap unless you see the typeset of ‘The Hindu’ ). So I have argued against using this mode for reaching out to prospective customers. However, at some point of time I also had to swim by the tide.

But the child in me, or the hardcore consumer in me never changed. Every Sunday the favorite pastime at my home along with my two daughters is making paper rockets out of these inserts and fly them. This is going on for quite some years that as of now I am a certified expert in making them and determining flight paths and also a good trainer in teaching others to fly these rockets.

I will tell you, nothing can match experience. By now, I know which company’s insert is good for rockets. It depends on the thickness of the insert. 90 GSM can’t fly far. While it takes off with considerable promise it invariably loses steam and crash-lands. 120 GSM is ideal for rockets. It can traverse the entire distance of my living room. And has this grace while flying. But best is art paper, though it has a weight problem. If the weight is not spread, sometimes the aerodynamics gets screwed up. Like this morning: when it landed on my cook’s eye ( don’t ask me about the expenses in treating that, when you are innovating there are bound to be some unforeseen expense and damage ). I remember a time when my rocket crossed the sit-out of my house and with ultimate precision got stuck into the hairdo of a passerby.

The guys at IIHT would win hands down anytime in providing the best raw material. Their inserts make the best rockets. The Pizza companies come a close second, but the offers that accompany, saves them from becoming a rocket most times. Hathway is the worst of all. And the cheap ones like your local plumbing works etc is pretty moody!! Could be good sometimes, could be disastrous some other time. All in all its great fun on a Sunday morning! With daughters making abortive attempts to fly rockets and me teaching them, it is quite a nice ice breaking and camaraderie creating session.

But I should agree on one thing. This does not happen without a small heartburn, when I realize that whatever paper insert exercise I do with my limited marketing budget could also meet this fate in someone else’s hands. It is not funny at all to imagine your money flying. Not funny at all :(

Learn to be a Real Man

You don’t need this advice first thing in the morning, do you? Thanks to Spam, I did get the advice. They probably were trying to sell some stuff to me, but then they have actually ended up irritating me. The whole man thing I guess is a pressure to modern day men. And worse is that being connected to some apparatus and what it can do.

What exactly is being a real man? I don’t think I know it. For that matter I don’t think there is anything different between real man and real woman. And typecasting something as man’s thing is an issue these days for sure. A woman does every damn thing a man does too! Barring the typical MCP joke of being not able to piss 2 feet away from the wall.

Honestly, everyone on earth has inherent fears. Men just don’t show it. That’s all. You can be a hero with people who either out of goodness or fear don’t tell you that you are an asshole. Otherwise, even the so-called hero’s do not have the courage to speak the truth. And disagree to things that are clearly not fair. They also have the same fear of things not going good for them, fear of losing. They also look for support, a shoulder to cry, reassurance and miracles. They also nurture a secret dream of all problems getting washed away when they wake up in the morning. They also are always a child getting carried away by small things that can cause sadness or happiness. It is just that they don’t speak out.

So what’s being a real man? It is all bull crap. The moment one accepts a stupid position and compromises on it, this entire man thing becomes hogwash. And even when the fog clears, out of sheer escapism no one touches the bad time even in thoughts and just steel themselves to look forward. Satisfy themselves by telling, what is the fun in revisiting it, everything is good now, so lets just move ahead.

In my lifetime I have never seen a real hero who was not afflicted by the stuff I mentioned earlier. And I don’t think of myself as a hero either, unless I make a collage of all great things I did in life, my audacity and my fearlessness when it was convenient etc. But only I know that I have been scared.

Risk

Read somewhere as a joke. As what earns you points with women. But, I can’t help but amaze at the profoundness and also the practical wisdom the joke carried. OK, now I know that I tread into dangerous waters. Maybe, there will be a retort, gentle or violent or maybe lots of lots of minus points. But then, men by nature take risks. Don’t they?

Well the joke starts like this.

“In the world, one single rule applies for men. Make the woman happy. Do something she likes you get points! Do something she dislikes your points get subtracted! You do something she expects, you don’t get any points. Sorry mate, that’s how the system works”

I have skipped the guide for the rating system. That’s purely subjective I guess. But this is how my list would go, only about coming home in time. If I touch upon everything then Google guys might jump at me for using up all their server space.

• Come Home early – 5 Points
  
• Come Home late – Minus 100 Points
  
• Come Home after a few beers – Minus Million Points
  
• Come Home late and still offer a drive for eating out – 10 Points
  
• Come Home early and read a book without talking – Minus 100 points
  
• Come Home early and tell that you want to eat and what is available is not something you want – Minus 1000 points
  
• Come Home early and want to have sometime for yourself – Minus 1000 Points
  
• Come Home late and sleep fitfully – Minus points for a lifetime which compounds everyday.
  
• Come Home early and be too very chirpy and play with children – Minus 1000 Points ( There I got you, you would have thought what is wrong in that , buddy please understand that Daddies spoil kids , they make them indiscipline and hog the only time they will study and so on… )
  
• Come Home early and just behave – No Points

OK, now you see, you can utmost scrap some 15 plus points in a day by one action that has the potential to incarcerate you in a dungeon for a lifetime. Which is better, come home early and get 15 points or just avoid the risk totally? No wonder I am late to home everyday. I am a very wise guy.

Too Late

Looks like I need to get up from the slumber. It always appears to me that I am too late for anything. Or also too lazy for anything! Never been so self-deprecating in recent times. But, now these thoughts weigh on me pretty heavily.

I wrote my first piece a clear 4 years back. It was a translation of a single page from one of my favorite Tamizh books. And in bits & pieces I wrote. And kept all of them safely hidden in my hard disk. Dared to show it to a few friends who felt it was good.( I am bluffing, both the guys actually reported to me, no wonder what I wrote was good, should have been appraisal time! ) But still, I never had the inclination to try the second page. The very task of doing the entire book was daunting and I kept postponing. But never failed to dream that some day I will complete it and even publish. Well, now it is published. But by someone else! And now, the only OK effort I did for a page is also wasted.

I was already into my 5th year of Internet-aware stage then. But still didn’t blog. Don’t know whether I really knew about blogging then. And then started to write what I thought as my last work, if & when it gets published. Some pace it took and then again went into hibernation. I specifically chose the subject that is close to what I experienced, because I didn’t trust my imagination or creativity to complete any work of writing. But still, despite having enough content, I am dragging. This time smartly I have kept myself a deadline, but I am personally not so sure.

OK, why am I blabbering all this now! Simply because I had been visiting a few blogs in the past two days and everyone seems to be a mixed bag! Rare pieces of good humor, sensible writing appears in a deluge of crap. So, I get into this trip! Thinking how it would have been, if only I had started writing long time back ( maybe they would have visited my blog and searched a rare good piece in the crap-deluge ). People just write, irrespective of what they think that others would think of what they write. And I keep cribbing about having lost time, without actually writing.

Is it too late already ?! Don’t know really. Sometimes I land up in certain blogs and start wondering about why that person hasn’t been writing big time already. And I set myself back in time for a while. Or know about Amit Aggarwal , who apparently makes lakhs of money by blogging and get a feeling that I am just plainly too lazy to do anything. Even things that I love doing!!!

Men do Talk

I have been an ardent proponent of the theory that women talk more than men. And at some point of time, the theory gained huge credence when Dr Luan Brizendine in her book titled ‘Female Brain’, said that women spoke an average of 20000 words in a day against 7000 of men.

I had an audience when I talked about how we men exhaust these 7000 words at work and even if the wife has expended same number of words, they still had 13000 to go and try to empty them on you. And you were obviously overdrawn. And it is generally grunts and nods after reaching home. Some lucky day for them, they lose their cool on us and get a chance to spend the 13000 on screaming and calling us names.

I have read an evolutionary substantiation for this theory also in other books, that said men in prehistoric times were forced to be silent, because they were chasing animals for food and noise means hunger for them. Whereas, the women who stayed back at the caves, had to socialize with others because they weren’t sure that their partners would come back alive.

But now, there is another set of guys who has researched this and debunked the theory. They say that there is a mere thousand-word difference between men and women. Both use around 15000 words, this side or that side. So, all my gyan on this subject is now dead.

But even if the theory is proved wrong, I am certain of one thing. My wife speaks those extra 1000 words only when I get back home exhausting my quota.

Escalators

In my life, I have never been afraid of heights and neither about going up. Provided it was my way. Easy ways don’t appeal to me. I believe that one should work hard to go up and any shortcut is unfair.

Well this has been my story when I refuse to take the escalators. Truth is that I was shit scared about it. Happened because once I tripped and immediately thereafter there was this small girl who died in the Delhi airport. Since then, I had seen them only as killing machines and I developed a morbid fear.

I was an object of ridicule, I know. Because this apparently strong man, would take a circuitous route of stairs! And inside me, I was feeling so wretched because my daughter of 5 years had this as a game in all malls. She plays with them. And I was running around to find staircases.

There was this funny character who claimed to be my friend, who talks only in hyperboles and exaggerates everything. He came to me and said he will cure me of this fear. And gave a gyan about all fears & pains come due to subconscious invitation from us, so I should be telling myself “I didn’t invite you fear, please go back”. Honestly I wish I did that to him.

Anyway, a month back I broke the fear myself. Went to city center and realized that it is just not easy to take elevators or stairs. Prayed to my family deity and jumped into it. And then it was child’s play ( no pun intended ). After that, now every week, I laugh at the guys who come close to the escalator, have this nervous look and back off.

Afterall, one should be courageous in life, can’t understand these guys who are scared of escalators. Crazy bums!

German Blinov

Did you hear about this guy? He should probably be the unluckiest guy in the whole world. He did something and got fined by a Chicago court an amount of 4802 $. So, what’s new about it? Everyone gets sued in the US!!

Well this guy has got fined for stealing someone’s wife. Apparently, he has had an affair with a married woman and her husband sued and the court has fined him. I guess everyone in the US has gone nuts. I am wondering whether that woman is going to share the fine, as she agreed in the court that she had sex with our Blinov guy. And this husband character, why would he go to court! He should have either worked to keep his wife with him and otherwise walked out on her or probably act like all mad husbands do. And again, the judge!! I don’t know the basis of fine and the amount! Will the amount change based on how beautiful this lady is or how many times they had sex or what it is? Now this also gives me another perspective. If the court collects the money and pay a part of the damages to the aggrieved husband, what exactly you call that business? In our part of the world, it is something!

So folks, if you were planning to follow my earlier post by letter & spirit ( Thou may covet thy neighbor’s wife ), please be sure that you take a personal loan and keep. You may never know, anything that’s American is fashionable in India now and you would end paying hefty fines. And, increase your credit-worthiness if you plan to be active in that stealing business!

Enlightenment

I was sitting under tattered false roofing surrounded by spit covered walls, when my enlightenment happened. Not a Bodhi tree it is. But for mere mortals like me, the fact that enlightenment happens itself is a big thing and I don’t think I am going to complain about the environment & circumstances.

The preamble was necessary because when I explain the circumstances, you are sure going to laugh. Before that let me tell you what did I realize about life that I harp so much. It is fairly simple and maybe millions have known already this. But I realized it now. “When expectations are less, the satisfaction is always more”, this is what was my enlightenment all about.

In your life, you always want a few things. Some badly, some as a fantasy, and some as a dream that can be chased! But human mind has this great vacuum. That refuses to be filled up and wanting more. Or so you think and hence set your wants also more. And invariably, end up not getting satisfied.

Sivaji, the movie is like wine and its hero. Tends to get better with age. Saw it the second time last night and realized that the movie is super. That set this thought process. I am a diehard fan of Rajni and saw the movie on the 4th day with raving reviews from fans and magazines. And I was very disappointed. Prompted to even write my own story for the actor, to justify his image and potential. Yesterday, I went again with a clear knowledge that the movie is not going to be engrossing and then again I was disappointed, rather elated. Because, it was engrossing!!

Then I realized it is all about what you want in a certain thing in your mind. Best of relationships are in trouble, because there is always some small extra thing that is expected more. Many a time, you feel that things could have been better, if only!! But there is no end to “if only”. 90 things out of 100 happen well and you are worried about the 10 things that don’t. For e.g., when there is an amazing time spent in a restaurant or a movie hall, what preoccupies the mind is a waiter who has a face that betrays constipation or a kid that runs here & there blocking your view in the hall. Not the fact that the movie or the food is great.

You have so much of leeway in your relationship that is simply a pipedream for many others, but for you it is about what is not going right. I have never been like this in my life is what I thought. But it’s only on certain things. Like shopping, where I pick up the first good things I see, rather than get choosy. Because then I say comparisons will start and also cloud judgment. But, in a few others, I never get satisfied.

In a group of young executives, there was one guy who with the help of 6 larges of rum was delirious about his performance in the previous quarter! True he was a hero. But I was an unhappy guy having been forced to preside over a dwindling business. The revenue overall is 20% lesser and here is this guy who was harping about his success. Then it all erupted suddenly. I excused myself of any misbehavior and blamed it on his ‘old monk’ comfortably forgetting that Kingfishers can also be culpable. I used the choicest of my Madurai language and left the executive crying for the rest of the night. Started feeling bad about what I have done and tried to make some amends immediately, but then it was already too late, the damage was done. When I sat yesterday to reflect upon what happened, I realized that what is good for someone is not just good enough for me, because I have an expectation that is not met yet.

If only I am willing to set my expectations reasonable, then I guess I would be happy most of the times. Not worry about how much my time is being exploited when a friend is on phone while I am with him or her, about how much of increment has been given when the market value for me is atleast 30% more & so on and simply get happy about how I have got all the best things in life.

But then how do you chase dreams, how do you define what is reasonable? Is there any yardstick in terms of deciding that? Is it that you decide to stay happy and set expectations low, or you listen to your mind about what exactly is going to make you happy and set your expectations as per that and take a risk? What about dreams? What about fantasies?

What I understood yesterday was an answer to this! It is about defining a manner in which you interpret the results. Expectations from Rajni made the movie not so good for me. When I decided to see the movie for itself and consider Rajni as just an actor, the movie was good for me.

You may still have all your dreams and goals. It is just about on what % of that you are going to feel satisfied or at what milestone of that you are going to feel satisfied. You may then probably stay happy or maybe if you don’t, you just know that you could have planned better.

Any which way, I guess it pays to have low expectations. Unless someone shoves a gun down my throat and force me to expect more. Or simply go and meet all expectations that you set for things that you can do and keep expectations low in things that involve others also.

Maybe I should see Sivaji once more to get more enlightened! Huh, at last, I have justified what I was about to do. See the movie again!

King & Queen

I have found out the only place where common people can feel like Kings and Queens. You are generally named something, but rarely do someone call you by that name. Strating from your own parents! I don’t remember the last time I called my daughters by their given name. If I do, they now presume that I am angry with them.

Mostly the nicknames that are kept for you are not in good taste. They are invariably some teasing ones or a dig at what you are. My folks at home called me Gundappa. Some sense of humor these guys should have got. To name me so! And to date, whether because they named me so or whatever it is, I have never exceeded 65 kg and friends tease me that my thigh’s shadow doesn’t fall on earth.

So are the names kept by me for others or generally others keep for me. I have named people as Brit, Pulli, Chimp, Bean, Panju and so on. I am called secretly by the team as Appa, standing for Dad ( unless it is an acronym like ‘Always a Pricking Pain in the Ass’ ). I have taken it as an endearment. I have become so used to nicks, that I don’t remember the last time someone called me by real name. Either I am just initials, boss or a nickname. My mom maybe when I meet will call me by my name, but that I don’t do often.

Coming back to the title, the only place you are a King or a Queen are public toilets. All toilets, be it in the airport or a star hotel, names the loo as His or Her, or King or Queen. Some are plain Gents & Ladies.

I have always wondered about what could be the original idea behind such a naming. Is it sarcasm that you can just rule over only a toilet or some profoundness like ‘feel like a king when you discharge your worries’ or just plain simple English.

Anyway, it just doesn’t harm being called a King. And feel like one, in those 2 minutes.

Tête-à-Tête with Sujatha

What happens when something that you always desired, but never seriously attempted falls on your lap? All our lives, we keep chasing things that we think are priority, but there are a few things closer to our heart and the sheer distance of them makes it more and more special.

My date with luck was like that. I happened to meet my most favorite writer. He according to me is arguably the best Tamizh writer, when it comes to simple language and the honesty to write for readers, than establishing his own mastery over language and what he knows. And he is singularly responsible for making my Tamizh reading a habit. As a youngster who did not study Tamizh at school, my initiation into big books in the language was just because of his style, content and the grip he had over readers.



And what a journey it has been for all his readers and himself, as he made good use of his captive audience to introduce science, religion, IT and many other things that normally is beyond the realm of them. And at the end, you feel like having learnt as much you enjoyed what he wrote.

So, when I went in, I did not know what exactly to speak with him. First few minutes was spent like a kid in a sweet shop, wanting to hog everything that’s available. And then we started talking. Again, it was just unbelievable that I could sit across him and blabber about his writing, other books, cinema, God, religion. And my most recent favorite subject ‘Sivaji’ which he wrote! ( dialogue ). About his reading habits, his idea about how the movie has shaped up, and my verbatim repeating of a few of his old articles! At the end he appeared to be shocked to see such a fanatic. He just coolly said that I would recruit anyone in the place I work, if I knew they read his books. Such was his acknowledgement and again when we talking about buying one old books of his, he made 3 calls to publishers and realized only then that it is out of print for 13 years. And then he said very nonchalantly to Krithi, that if I could not find the book, maybe no one else could. And I had the special privilege of reading his translation of reading a small poem that may appear in print sometime.

I keep recounting those minutes for the past 3 days and still am in a state of awe. And suddenly I recall one sentence that I spoke but forgot to tell and so on. The man is 70 plus, and pretty energetic and youthful in thoughts and his article on aging and waiting to die created such furore in the fan community. But when I met him, I knew he would live forever. As much in his works, as physically!

A Toast to all your tomorrows

Of puppy love
And love of puppies

Of cleaning OCD’s
And throwing diaries

Of little madurai surprises
And biiig golden surprises

Of himsai arasis
And “A”himsai arakkan

Of impromptu long drives
And pasha with bi-pasha

Of oft repeated songs in the car
And ennai katrika with IBF krithika

Of designing clothes
And yet loving cute pooch

Of standing by through thick and thin( nooooooo. I’m not talking ‘bout weight here)
And being there always for friends

Of a rebel marriage
And forever love

Ganth Ma and Runa Laila,
Yours is an all-season friendship of fun laughter and togetherness.

Here’s a toast to your 17 years and all your tomorrows!

Surprises, Surprises...

Receiving surprise gifts is always a thrill. But giving surprises seems to give an even bigger thrill to some. Some do it for good cause. Some do it inadvertently by sheer lack of sensitivity, like what comes in the Naukri advertisement, shrinking you in size at the time of annual appraisal.

This is not about the second type. I have no energy left for this type and have become adept in taking disappointments, so much so that the so-called surprises are not surprises any more. I just expect them to happen. And manage not to get shrunk.

Back to the first type, not many can qualify in that group. Unless it is someone who cares for you a lot and a great friend! These are the people who have elevated “giving surprises” to an art form, like Krithi who happens to be our great friend. On my daughter’s birthday, the surprises from Krithi started pouring in by around 7 pm on the previous day. The fun began with blindfolding my daughter to take her to best friend’s place by exactly 12 in the night and cutting the birthday cake. And it did not just stop there. There were atleast 8 gift packages given at periodic intervals till the next day evening, not letting my daughter to even comprehend the previous bundle of joy fully. Such was the pace. And she was absolutely delirious. The manner in which the gifts were given at the most unexpected of times and style floored her totally.

Then came our wedding anniversary. She acted as if she had run out of ideas and pretended she didn’t even have time to shop properly. But she did manage to squeeze some time somehow and we received beautiful gifts along with an ode written in toast of us. The next week on her anniversary, we tried to copy her style and did a bad job. All we could do was, space the gifts for half an hour and then plainly stared at her. I had convinced myself that I would not be attempting such daredevilry in future.And left it at that.

And then this event happened. I was suddenly pulled out a meeting one day, with a gun almost in my head saying I need to drive her to some place. I bought her pretext and went along. We stopped at an office and I was wondering what’s happening.

And then came the biggest surprise of my lifetime. She managed to take an appointment with my favorite writer and has arranged a tête-à-tête with him for me. I could not simply believe my luck. Initially I was simply awestruck and pinching myself to ensure that it wasn’t a dream. Then when I knew it was for real, I started rapping. And he did give an unbelievable 45 minutes for us. What I spoke & what I heard is still being recollected, as I am yet to come out of that daze. So that’s for another blog.

But the daze is more because of the efforts of Krithi, her style and the joy she gets in seeing us thrilled. ( the toast that she wrote for us, deserves a separate post ). But, here is our family’s toast to you Krithi….

“May Life be brimming up with pleasant surprises for you always”

My New Look Blog

Here it comes! Had wanted to make the change in the template of my blog. Mostly because of the navigation problem! The number of posts has increased and for every 5 I write, one turns out to be good. And when someone speaks with me, I ask him or her ‘Hey did you read this post, that post?’ and I get a blank look.

Even if they want to go back and read that, finding the post was an onerous task. Invariably, till the next time we meet and if the discussion once again veers to that, it is forgotten. But if it happens, then it forces the guy to tell a lie. He could not have found it and also happens to be decent enough not to tell me that it is tough finding the post ( well, I had been selling myself this story, I don’t even want to imagine that people don’t want to read what I say ). So, I decided to change the template. Then, as it is my wont, started finding 100 reasons about why the old one was bad. It was dark; the fonts were too small, blah blah.

Anyway here it is, and as I have met the readers’ needs, I expect to be repaid. Now they have to read my posts. No excuses.

Rajni's next movie

I am so pissed off with Sivaji’s storyline that I decided to make my own script for his next movie. Just a sketch! Not a real script. I have selfish reasons also to do this. In the US, when they write a script, they complete it and send it by registered post to their own address to establish it was their idea. That way now I am safe. But when I say Rajni, it is just not him it could be Amitabh too. For me they both are superstars. The movie knot is about how Rajni saves the world from destruction. Here comes the basic script

• Opening Scene, a shuttle takes off from earth, title credits.
  
• Title over, and the shuttle docks with a space station and opens with Rajni’s leg shown first.
  
• Rajni bends and touches space ( don't ask how, you don't ask these questions in a Rajni film ) and takes his hands to his eyes, worshipping the Supreme power.
  
• Shot cut, and Rajni touches the earth at Sholavandan and opens his store, which is in front of his watch repair shop. And the opening song. ( Song about how Time is important & every second is critical rendered by SPB )
  
• He is a technician; an expert in precision repairs is established.
  
• His life at the village, with comedy scenes and do-good acts.
  
• We show Trisha, the heroine. She has her own flashbacks, cut within cuts. As a baby, she is supposed to be a victim of female infanticide and Rajni as a 10 year old, saves her life somehow.
  
• She has excelled in studies and gone further to IIT and then joined NASA.
  
• Back at her village on a holiday, she recalls her past and falls in love with Rajni.
  
• A dream sequence and song.
  
• Trisha goes back to US.
  
• Jump cut, crisis at NASA. The space station has issues in a specific problem that only best of the precision experts can solve.
  
• The top honchos at NASA try to zero in on the expert and realize that the best guy is Rajni.
  
• Interval
  
• NASA scientists arrive at Sholavandan to convince Rajni to take up the task.
  
• Rajni hesitates, but the space station is powered by nuclear fuel, so a failure of that and crash landing will annihilate the earth.
  
• Rajni’s mom coaxes him to take up the task.
  
• Rajni travels to US and a song about the new world.
  
• Rajni’s training sequence at NASA to resolve the issue in the space station.
  
• Rajni takes off from earth, flash back over.
  
• At docking, Rajni is into the job.
  
• But Trisha is an astronaut in that space station.
  
• Trisha falls in love all over again.
  
• A dream sequence song again in the space.
  
• When Rajni is yet to fix the issue, when he faces the enmity of another haughty astronaut who has his eyes on Trisha.
• A zero gravity fight sequence ( with a remix of the song 'Vaanam Keezhe, Bhoomi Mele" in the background ) and then as a race against time of how Rajni gets the space station back forms rest of the story.

Fun apart, I made this stuff up, just to expand our own thinking of how we can build a fantasy and not get restricted by our imagination. This has all elements what folks would want. A message on female infanticide, a simple guy saving the world on a one man crusade, mother sentiment, comedy, songs, fight and scope for Computer Graphics that seems to be the vogue these days.

It’s not tough making up a story, that even a guy like me can make that. It’s anyway a rehash of something. Arthur Koestler says there are only 36 story knots possible. This is a rehash of Armageddon, Space Cowboys and a typical Tamil movie. But still, if someone can make it in a credible manner, this could be a great movie. It could be titled ' Ulagam Suttrum Valiban', which is once again a recent trend. And who cares about what reaches whom ? If money laundering and black money getting green, white and whiter can reach B & C Centers with Rajni popularity, so can a space mishap. Maybe we name the heroine Sunita to keep it topical.

I am already counting my dollars. Afterall Sivaji made 100 crores easily. And hoping blogs reach directors like Mani Ratnam.

PS: A punch dialogue contest is open and readers can send their entries, the best & chosen one will get free tickets for the opening show and my autographed credit card bills to pay.

Smarter than a Monkey

There could be never a better way to start your day. I take this quiz in www.quizgalaxy.com and they have certified that I am smarter than a monkey. And just not that, I am actually 62% smarter than a monkey they say.

I should be glad. But something deep inside bugs me. In a way I knew I was always smarter than a monkey. Never needed any substantiation. But when you see that in print and also someone else certifies that, there is this gnawing feeling in the stomach. Been squeezing my brain to figure out why it is for the past 20 minutes.

And atlast got it! Now I am afraid to be in office. All along I was thinking I am with similar people and I was happy with no fear at all. But now, if it is established that I am smarter than a monkey, how will I deal with a few people in office. Suddenly it appears to me that I am in a zoo. But giving the benefit of doubt to a few, and using my ‘smarter than monkey’ brain I can be certain people are not all that gifted as me.

Now that puts me in a bind. How do I deal with them? Will they bite? Do they get angry when they find out I am a black sheep? Do I get ostracized? Can I put my higher-grade brain for better use in the office and explain seriously to my former adopted family?

All these questions are bothering me! Guess I am going to hack into quiz-galaxy and ensure that everyone at office are declared as ‘smarter than a monkey’ and relax.

North vs. South

There is a huge furore happening in rediff. All started by some joker posting his opinion about how Sivaji is. Well, as they say, opinions are like a**holes. Everyone has one. Point is how you keep that closed and don’t stink to make everyone know about it.

The whole debate has taken a direction of how mad Southies are when it comes to movies and how whole of North India is made of scientists and literary figures and no one cares about movies there anymore. And no one has actually talked about whether the movie is good or not. And if it is either, what makes them think so? It is purely now a divided house with all possible moderator allowed expletives, with some ingenious ways like using stars instead of alphabets.

When I go through the whole sequence, I can be certain about two things. The Northies are highly prejudiced. And Southies are stupidly emotional. And Northies while writing forget they have also produced movies with the Govinda’s of the world, and the censor board chief once had a suggestion to call Randhir Kapoor to watch how his daughter has danced with Govinda. All the David Dhawan’s No 1 movies were as crass as possible. Some comment on how a grandfather & granddaughter are romancing in Sivaji, conveniently forgetting the fact that the best hindi movie as of now ( incidentally directed by a Southie ) is all about a similar romance. So, what can be accepted as a story can’t be accepted in a fantasy film and people go around checking birth certificates. There can be many such examples of how bad movies are also made in Hindi as much as the good movies that are made. And the so-called criticized Southies are the ones who are sought after in Bollywood just for their work ethics. No wonder, the driver in my holiday tour refused to listen to Tamil songs and picked up a fight with us. He is atleast an illiterate; here we are talking about IT literates showcasing their prejudice.

And on the other hand, these guys, the Southies are reacting as if someone has raped their sister. It is a movie and people are talking some shit, these guys are so determined that they will dip their legs in that crap and later smell it and get hyper about it. They go at the length talking about culture, and the magnanimity of Southies to accept Rajni, who is actually a Maharashtrian. Everyone is brushing up their vocabulary and am not amused at all. There are great movies made in Tamizh as much as in any Indian language. This is an entertainer. If someone can’t stomach this hype and think we are all jokers, let him think. How does it matter to us?

But once again, there is something deep-rooted here. It is not just about Rajni, AB, good movies, bad movies, crass taste etc. It is all about where one comes from. There the Northies think that everyone who lives down should be looked down upon, despite the fact there are many of their ilk who actually live here and looked up on so very dutifully.

One day, something nasty is going to happen in this country. That I am sure of! :((

Worry

This is actually an everyday dialogue at home. I am worried about you!! Could be about anything. Maybe I have a sudden boil erupting in the size only the best of microscopes can identify. Or maybe I woke up once in the middle of the night to pee. Or when I turn to see, I don’t turn the normal way I do.

OK this is real concern. One needs to worry. But what bugs me most is the question ‘why?’ by her. Why is this boil coming? Arre, how will I know, maybe we should ask the boil itself. Maybe I am good host. Maybe I am just the place where the boil wanted to settle in its last days. Maybe the previous boils told the new one that this is a nice retirement haunt. Or maybe it just came, like the million other boils in the world come.

Otherwise it will be, ‘why you are not sleeping properly?’ How will I know again? If I knew, would I not sleep? Could it be because you are tensed? Maybe! Is it because you slept well in the afternoon? Then, why on earth it’s a worry? I had slept well 6 hours back and am now struggling to catch sleep. Why can’t that good thing supercede this bad thing? Sometimes she will wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me why am I sleeping so restlessly. I might have peacefullly slept albiet restlessly if not for this waking up.

Then, it will be ‘Why are you looking like a crow?’ Maybe I always looked like a crow, being stealthy I am. Maybe I sat too much in the terrace and watched crows endlessly that I picked the mannerism. But the deduction would be a sprain in my back that is causing this crow look. Well I should be happy, isn’t it? Afterall a reason was found. But it is not to be. Because the invented reason has more questions as corollaries! How did the sprain come? Is it because of the spondylitis? But you are not riding a bike anyway? Has the car seat become shorter? Is the new Dell computer causing this strain in your back that causes the sprain?

I know one thing for sure. If my wife is going to be asking these questions continuously, the medical profession will go out of work. Either because of the sheer volume of answers they need to provide or because the patient anyway knows what is happening to him/her that the doctors are needed anymore. Like the doctor whom we know regales about his adventures with the patients, who instructs him to give them glucose! He is aghast at their audacity and his prescription being decided by everyone but him.

Honestly, I think it is my forehead that is getting fat. If not by brain atleast by sinus! And that’s the cause of all worries. With 17 years of husband experience I should be finding such answers so easily.

Hey, this is all a joke OK? But if I am admitted in some casualty tomorrow, you all need not ask the question why. It is just simply so very transparent. I would have been beaten to pulp and the doctors would be rearranging me into shape.

Sivaji

I am certain that this is the best way to increase readership for my blogs. There was this guy who posted a review at 12 noon on the release date in his blog and he had 1427 hits in a couple of hours. And another guy was a honest soul and gave a comment on the review about the movie and the moderators had to come into play. All the choicest of Tamil vocabulary were in display and I got them refreshed. Such is the hype for the movie.

I am right. It’s all hype. I am sure that I should now prepare for all those bad words to be directed at me. And I better play moderator myself, but anyway I will get to know who calls me what, just not me , but my lineage from great grandfather about which even I would not know.

So, as a disclaimer I should say this. I am a die-hard Rajni fanatic. So much so, that for almost a fortnight whatever Sivaji related materials that were in the Net found their way to my comp. And was sulking for 3 days about not having seen the movie on the release day. Only the event like Chairman’s visit from US resulted in that miracle. I was seriously considering enrolling into a ‘whistling course’ to do justice to Thalaivar. But, I came out disappointed after the movie, that I can see the movie only 3 to 4 times. It’s that bad. :(

Nothing much new I can write about the movie. By this time there are terabytes of data in the Net. So, let me spare others and myself about the story, style, action, sets, direction and what not.

I simply feel that Rajni movie is a movie where Rajni occupies the screen fully and we all whistle, dance, get delirious, irrespective of what he says, does etc. This is a damn Shankar movie. Saving grace was that Rajni was atleast introduced in the trademark way to legs being focused first. As the dialogue goes in the movie ‘Comedy pannitanga Rajni’a vachu’!! The man is a superstar. And he just needs to be there undefeated and bashing up bad guys. For years he had been doing it. Without computers, without help of goons! He simply single-handedly was doing good to the society. So what is new?

This Shankar is one amazing guy. He has just one story in his mind. And rehashes, rehashes, rehashes, gets the best stars doing that, make some great dance, song and fight sequences and churns out movie after movie. Gentleman, Indian, Mudhalvan, Anniyan and now this! All one-man crusade plots. For the rest of the guys it’s ok, because they aspire to be Rajni, but why the same story for Rajni. His limitation for fantasizing has been exposed. Why not some story like Rajni bashing up George Bush? Or some problem in Moon which no one but Rajni can solve & save the earth from certain destruction?

Coming back from the movie I was plain angry. There is everyone in the movie and my superstar is just there for the last 15 minutes. Maybe because of all the hype! And I was ostracized from the community for not having seen the movie for 3 days. SMS after SMS on how the movie is, was pouring in. Most stylish thalaivar movie ever made, awesome, breathtaking blah blah. For a guy like me, who went from Madurai to Dindigul to see a 38-minute cameo of Rajni in a movie, that old charm was missing.

My mistake, I should have seen the movie on the first day itself. Afterall budget meetings happen every quarter :(

42-Inch Mystery

Well this is not John Holmes stuff. Anything with inches gets spammed these days. So, let me clear this at the outset. But I go through this every morning. I have cribbed about it in the past in these pages. Here it goes again.

More than half my shirts are 42- inch in size. I remember that they fitted well in the past. Now when I wear them, I look like a coat hanger. They simply hang on me. This should be an open & shut case. I may have got shrunk as I said. But it doesn’t seem to be true.

I didn’t want to waste all these nice shirts so I invested on a gym to expand myself to 42 and worked out like a maniac. And ended up getting tighter for the other shirts but still was a coat hanger to others. But the problem doesn’t stop there.

There are some shirts that are 42, which still fits me. Being a guy interested in logic, I tried to deduce the reasons. First I thought it could be because I buy some shirts in a seconds shop. And the labeling would be wrong. So what I think as 42 is 44, or what I think as 40 is 42. I was happy having found out a logical reason and was peaceful.

Again, a real good branded shirt that was bought in an exclusive showroom in the size 42 fits me perfectly. Now this is a mystery. If this was right, then how come I am not 42 normally?

I am seriously thinking of either getting back to tailored shirts, or just start wearing kurta’s to office, or check up myself for structural deformity. Could be that I have elastic bones. But if I continue to be a freak show material like this, I might as well go shirtless like Salman.

But I am convinced that there is something fundamentally wrong in arithmetic. No one has really found out 42 as a number comes after what!!! Could be a potential Nobel prize answer.

God

Thanks to Subbu’s post and my irresistible urge to make others read this piece by Kannadasan, the greatest of all modern poets in the languages that I have known, here is it, the translation of a simple and most profound explanation of God!!

God

What comes out of Birth, I asked
Take birth, He said

What comes out of Death, I asked
Try dying, He said

What comes out of Life, I asked
Try living, He said

If everything is only experienced
Why You, I asked

God came just a bit closer, and said
Experience is what I am

Home Run & Hero

This has become my story when it comes to the Senior Management meetings. But ofcourse with some changes in the scripts!

There are villains in my script. Plain bad guys! Absolutely no difference from what you see in your everyday bad guy. No scruples, no shame and world class liars. There are people who revel in asking questions, maybe because they love their voice too much and they want to listen to it. Because they anyway don’t listen to your reply! And then we have comedians. Who believe that they are serious guys!! But ones who can considerable damage to you in the meets!

And you want to play Hero like Charlie Brown. Keep telling yourself, yes I am going to make a home run, let me swing, let me take off and thud you fall. The entire making up of nerves seems to go as a waste. And at the end, I dust myself as I get up yelling ‘ Rats’.

Only in my case, the rats are real. Your own guys who ditch you at the meets, by talking something with you outside and say something inside the meeting that is undermining what you all say.

Wish I know which one is going to rat when!!!!

Poor Pluto

No planet in recent times would have suffered like Pluto. Oops, it’s not even a planet anymore. Poor thing! It was called as a dwarf planet and demoted last year. And now this week, they have declared that it is not even the biggest dwarf planet. It has been once again overpowered by Eris, aptly named after the Greek Goddess of rivalry!

I was just wondering what impact it has on our lives. Firstly, we are one planet short now. Nine was a good number and it even sounds odd to say that the Sun has only 8 planets. Even my small daughter laughs at that. Geometrically, the symmetry also goes for a toss. A 3 by 3 square was just perfect. Dwarf or not, there was a place for Pluto.

That now brings up another problem. We are a God short :( I presume it was a Rahu or Kethu equivalent and years and years worship for the dosham ( no idea about the English equivalent for this word ) has gone as a waste. And now, on top of it, whoever believed that they had this dosham, cannot have any reprieve also, because the God on first place is not to be seen. What amends can you make now? All the innovative lamps on a cup of lemon will have to be done for the rest of the Gods only. That means, an industry selling these lamps in the temples is hit. They can only sell 8 in place of 9 lamps.

Astrologers have to cook up a story now. The horoscope has nine boxes and how it will look with only 8 I don’t know. Maybe, the girls who weren’t getting married because of this dosham can now breathe easy. They can form a club of ‘Lost God’ and find a match amongst them.

The biggest hurdle in a Tambram family of not leaving home in Rahu Kaalam won’t be there. You can just keep your time and leave as per normal time. And do things without any worry.

One more advantage I can think of is 'Population Control' in the country. People flock to Rameswaram and pray in Navagraha Baashanam to beget children. Now with one God less in that nine, we may have lesser children and get benefited out of that.

If I really squeeze my brain and figure out, it looks that we stand to gain more by losing this dwarf. But I am certain that there will be a huge effort to reinstate the God or even make that as a curse befallen on this poor earth and more pooja’s will be done and more lamps will be sold.

But you just don’t worry Pluto, for me you stay in my heart, as the dog in Disney. You are not just Mickey’s pet, but mine too. So long…..

Sadistic God

As much as I try to be a religious guy, be respectful to scriptures, maintain my conversion as a theist, it appears to be a daunting task. There are many hurdles in staying theist. God Himself seems to be one big hurdle. He just doesn’t care about advertisements is what I think. So, His presence is the most secret one after Bin Laden. Nowhere you seem to see Him and all of us to maintain our status as believers, keep blabbering that we can see Him in a child’s smile, a freshly bloomed flower, kind acts by strangers, natural beauties blah blah, we tend to forget that even a atheist gets to see all this. I guess it is high time He did something about these doubts and come clear.

Second hurdle is, reading books like ‘Theory of Everything’ or ‘Kadavul’. No one seems to have a definite answer about God, however intelligent they are. Explanation of the creation of Universe and whatever that can be surmised through laws of physics doesn’t need the help of God. He just becomes Mathematics then. And maybe our deities are mathematicians.

And the scriptures!!! Why isn’t He doing anything about it? Almost every book of religion preaches about how you need to forego your earthly pleasures to recognize God. This is absolutely unfair. Bad rules. There is so much to see and enjoy in this earth and those are also specifically created for that. If He did want us to abstain from sex, become a sanyasi to realize Him, he should have been fair enough and created only men. Or only women!! If He can be realized only if we abstain from all small vices and have no attachments, then physiologically we should have not been created that way.

Appears to me that this is a sadistic game. Akin to giving sight to a visually handicapped person, make him enjoy the beauty of the world and take back the vision again. If he hasn’t realized how good it is have vision, he would have continued his normal life. But to provide eyesight, make him understand what he misses and then to take it back is cruel. This is how it looks to me. This realization business!!!!

And these blood & gore in the name of God. And He doesn’t seem to have a damn about these crusades.

No one provides answers to all the perplexing questions, everyone comfortably gives some gyan about how meditation and a life free of earthly pleasures will make us happy, in some case how what you do now decides your next birth ( even the man made courts do not punish anyone if the crime is committed when the person was in his normal senses, but whatever you do now that you would not remember will determine what you become in your next birth makes God a poor judge ). Some God and some understanding we have.

Looks like being an atheist is more comfortable. But on the other hand, looks like making attempts to find some simple explanation why there is a Supreme power to whom we need to look up to, is more worthwhile. Afterall, there is no denial that He is there.But some helping hand from God himself would be useful in this task

Wedding Anniversary

Couple of days from now, I will be celebrating my 18th wedding day. Wait a minute, read it carefully. It is not exactly 18th wedding. It is the 18th year. Should have written 17th anniversary. Guess I was overwhelmed and awestruck with the sheer number of years I am married. That’s why this faux paus.

As I keep telling, on hindsight I thank my job as a sales guy. Kept me touring for half this period. That’s 8 years of these 17 years. And the other half was spent at office with a 9 to 9 job. ( well, I am talking about those days ) That’s another 4.5 years gone. The other half was spent sleeping, which accounted for around 2 years and add to it another .5 years on the phone while being at home. In the balance 2 years, if the kids didn’t eat our head, we would in reality have spent approximately 1.5 years with each other.

In those 1.5 years, half the time she didn’t understand what I spoke and I didn’t understand what she spoke. So effectively we communicated only for about a year. This is just the first wedding anniversary then. No wonder we celebrate it.

First, I intend to award a plaque to her, something like Bharat Ratna or something, for patiently hearing me out all this while. Half the guys who worked with me still hold me in high esteem because they quit the job, unable to withstand me, and then their career flourished. So, I have decided to honor her perseverance. She could not or did not quit her job ( it’s a different thing altogether why she didn’t actively consider that, you always can't count yourself lucky ). Second, just not to sound biased, I would gift myself the same award. Afterall, it takes two to tango.

I keep wondering what magic was there for such a long-standing marriage. Our parents were the key. We strongly believed that if those guys didn’t kill each other, we would also not end up as murderers. And disagreement was taken as norm. When expectations are so low, you always meet them.

Funnily, we never understood what the other one said, so got to do whatever we wanted. I kept telling how organized one could be and she never understood, so stayed as it is. She kept telling me how sanity is a good virtue and I never understood that and I got to stay as it is.

Somehow we contrived to keep our children as human shields and those rabbits were entertaining either one of us in moody times and we suddenly realized that if we could create such wonderful creatures accidentally, real efforts could keep us afloat.

In this historical moment it is apt to thank all the people & things that made the marriage work, so let me thank my job, our parents, our children, our communication gap & our low expectations.

And the wonderful love that we share.

Pressure to Perform

I guess I am an artiste. Why guess, I am convinced I am. Atleast let me be convinced if no one else will be. You may ask why do I think so! Ask me to substantiate my guess. Sorry, an artiste need not do that. It shows in his work. Rather, shows in his unwillingness to work.

I do things because I love them. Not because there is a pressure to perform. Anything that is shoved down my throat is promptly spat back. So, now you know that I don’t accept forced labor. Point no 1 for substantiation. Who else but an artiste can do that?

I do things only in the manner I deem it as fit. Like as if I am possessed. Not like as if. I am possessed by organization and stuff like that. Anything that is unpalatable to my taste I don’t do. Point no 2.

I do believe what I do is super. And I love my own work ( no one else would is immaterial ). Maybe I read my blogs myself more than anyone else. And everytime I keep thinking I have done a good job ( my mind suddenly grows a hammer and hits strong saying ‘come back to earth' ) But I ignore my mind’s warnings. Point no 3 as substantiation.

I have my collection of people who say what I do is good. Irrespective of what I trash out. And some encourage me to do more trash. So I am growing into an even more conceited artist. Point no 4.

I have subscribed to Adsense and haven’t made a single penny yet out of it. That shows there is no big readership. So, what I do ought to be good. Good stuff has very little following. Like Jesus Christ, I have exactly 13 people who may visit my page. So, I got to be a good artist. Point no 5.

I can just ramble like this and get away as a piece of work. Point no 6.

OK, all this is because Sunil has started keeping a timetable on my average frequency of blog posting and I don’t have anything to write and have started becoming banal by repeating what I wrote in the past. Now I can sleep peacefully for having posted something afterall. In the past it would be simply load gif images when I faced such pressures, now I have maybe improved on my rambling.

But Sunil, I am artiste pleaseeeeeee…….

Wham, Bham, Thank you Spam

As days go by, the Spam stuff is getting pretty interesting. Just for the humor value. While I was trashing all of them unceremoniously ( I was not doing it, my rules wizard was ) all this while, suddenly I find them to be of extreme entertainment value.

As usual, I have my share of people suggesting to me to increase my sexual power, but the brain cells are working with the spammers too. These mails now come from an Indian name. You don’t want to trash an Indian girl’s recommendation to improve, do you?! This morning Ujala Sharma was my advisor. I get some reassurance also like ‘ She will love you more than any other guy’.

There is another guy who crows on how to be slimmer and trimmer next week. He hasn’t seen me. If I get any trimmer or slimmer, I will disappear from the face of earth and as it is people ignore my presence ( as my friend used to say my thigh’s shadow doesn’t fall on the ground )

One guy tells me that his is the best shop for good people like me. I simply shudder how many more good people are there on earth and what will become to George Bush’s future, who wants to smoke out the bad guys.

Another fellow tells me ‘Listen to your heart’. I want go find that guy and strangle him. All my life’s problems stemmed from listening to my heart. And he comes back and gives gyan like this.

Apart from this entertainment, sometimes it also gets into my nerves. I don’t know what is this fascination about enlargement in life. 90% of the spam is about that or improved performance. My appraisal is due at office and I am nowhere near meeting expectations and I would be glad if some joker gave me some tips on that. But they seem think that life starts and ends with performing somewhere.

Exactly what job I do they think I don’t know. My job requires enhancement somewhere else buddies. I don’t know whether Viagra, Cialis, Ambien and Xanax at 2$ each can do anything about revenues. Apart from theirs maybe!! Seriously, how many people get hooked by these mails and a sale happens because of them, I would be damned to know. And if it does I may bloody well spam the whole world.

And worse is that my only subscribed mailer from ‘just sell’ gets pushed into the spam folder too.

Kiwi, Ostrich & Kingfisher

I really wish that they named the beer either Kiwi or Ostrich. Only yesterday I said that Kingfisher is afterall a bird and it will fly. Looks like what I have are non-flying birds like Kiwi or Emu. It refuses to fly.

Because someone from the team flies in from somewhere and I go with him. To gossip, to crib and to ponder about what’s going to happen in the office in Qtr 2, which is a more perplexing question than even ‘Does God exist’. All these things are maybe dry subjects. Because they just are not imbibed without being washed down with a beer.

And beer also helps in having this artificial euphoria about everything being all right and postpones the inevitable reality. Till next day morning. It’s a different story that some real good and honest attempts are being made at home when you return, to make reality arrive earlier than scheduled. Attempts like a stare that will burn the bones even. In the event of that not happening, you can retain the euphoria till morning and wake up in the morning to write a blog hoping the bird will fly, and in the evening realize the truth.

So the fact remains that beer is there to be here!!!!

Health...A state of mind

Of people who love you!! I have always believed that I am superfit for my age despite having to pop 3 tablets every morning. And for added measure sometimes include two more. But it has never bothered me.

At 40 plus with so much reading in the most unstable of the transport systems, I can’t complain about wearing a progressive lens. In fact I am only glad that I do, as things are clearer now. How I wish we got such progressive lens for looking at people and relationships?!

I know with the heart working overtime ;) I am liable for some blood pressure and see no harm in having a maintenance contract with that, by popping a tablet. And the third tablet, I would love to have anytime, as it is given to reduce my triglycerides, the single most reason for them being my Kingfisher. The alternate options suck, so the tablet seems to be God sent. Stopping the beer would stop the tablet. But who wants to stop anyway? The tablet doesn’t increase weight so let it be. On the contrary it reduces my fat. So, it is a welcome tablet.

Doctors now & then get corrupted by medical representatives and prescribe something for disorders that you don’t know that exists with you. I am not joking. My dog was put on an anti-anxiolytic when my second daughter was born. I seriously think that medical companies first invent the disorder and then the drugs for it.

Anyway, my attempt at humoring this does not go well with the people who love me. They are mighty scared. My wife by this time would have enlisted the help all possible Gods in life and given an ultimatum, that they would be popping anti-anxiolytic drugs themselves. Sometimes I get to discover that a certain God exists. One Danvanthiri God with a beautiful temple with pooja’s and what not!

Point is that I feel absolutely ok and I think, as you grow old there would be some wear & tear and considering many of my age I feel I am much better of. But for your loved ones even a small thorn in your legs will be a thorn in their heart. The only time my daughter cried was when she saw me in the ICU. And I feel really bad and like letting them down when I make light of their worries or get animated with their discomfort about my health.

To think of it, it pays to be super healthy. Atleast for their sake!! Kingfisher is after all a bird, it should fly off!!

Bunnies

There are certain people in life who are made just to be bunnies. Almost everyone and anyone will trample upon them. And the most favorite hobby of the rest will be just, go tease them on the way. Mostly, the bunnies are smart guys themselves, but there will be one area where they are weak. Possibly on not being able to get mean and even! And the whole world will have some free food.

Guys get teased most about girls. If you are someone who does not have the courage to speak with girls, but haven’t hidden your desire to do so, you are dead meat. There will be a great generosity in pairing up the dreaded girl in the environment with the bunny boy. And during the course of it, the bunny will even start looking forward for the dreaded pair and alas; she will understand the trick that’s going on and dump him. That will give room to another session of teasing and taunting.

It’s immaterial whether the teasers are good enough to get some pairs for themselves, but as long as bunnies are around they will have a field day. And the bunnies never learn. Not once they will try and avoid the rest of the gang, but also they will make some innocent remark that will provide fodder for more.

And God help the soul that really cares about the bunny. If one attempt is made to assuage the broken heart, the teasing becomes even stronger. Because the bunny character can’t play it smart by keeping quiet. Maybe to establish that he is afterall not that weak! But he will have it. Out of sheer frustration the caring soul will avoid the bunny like a plague. Or worse could be that they will pair up with one of the gang members. : ))

I guess the bunnies themselves will start seriously believing that they are good for nothing. And more the acceptance of the tease, more the tease will become. Seriously thinking of ‘Bunny Care Club’ and help these poor souls

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Crabs

There is an old joke that says that a container full of crabs need not be closed, because if one tries to escape the others will pull it back. I was reminded about that and many other people when I read the ‘Peanuts’ strip yesterday. It goes like this.



This one is even more amazing. You yourself goad someone to be something and continue that with more irrelevant comparisons while praising and then bring them back in a thud. Though many would not obviously do that ‘bringing back’ thing, surely they don’t mean anything while they shower compliments.

It is so very obvious that the compliments are shallow and uttered just for the heck or for a conversation. Seen many a guy who can repeat one single line to many girls. Maybe it could be because of utter lack of creativity or maybe that’s what their brilliance can afford. But, I feel it is more because of lack of effort to say something that’s worthwhile. Whatever is said is more as a starter or as filler while chatting, because there is no intellectual compatibility.

I often wonder what runs in their mind, when they say these compliments. Do they know that they are making an ass of themselves? Do they know they betray their lack of intelligence? Do they know that their packaging is so very banal that even if someone wants to believe they see through it?

These are the people who also tell the other guys that they are great. It has happened to me many times. I would have made an ass of myself only at that very moment; this genius will come and tell me that I did a great job. Would feel like strangling these characters then. It berates your even further to say that you did good, when you yourself know that you advertised the whole world that you are fool beyond comparison.

What exactly are these guys? Are they plainly incompetent of doing something? Or, are they so very jealous that they want to make a superficial appreciative comment that everyone knows that they don’t mean.

These are the crabs I want to run miles away from. But unfortunately God puts us all in the same container : (

Cheeni Kum

Surprising that sometimes when you have something in mind to write, you also come across a similar piece written by someone else. I wanted to write something about a few dialogues in the movie, which talked about happiness and jealousy; I read this piece by Kushwant Singh this morning. And it almost touched something parallel or atleast triggered the same kind of thoughts the movie did.

The movie unto itself was fantastic. Off the beaten path, bold theme and great acting. But the clincher was the dialogue Big B has with Paresh Rawal asking him why he doesn’t approve of him. And he zeroes in at jealousy. Jealousy at someone who wants to be an iconoclast when it comes to defined roles at defined ages. He argues that Paresh is jealous about what he can do being older than him by 6 years. Paresh is simply unable to accept the fact that Amitabh being older to him can do something that belies his age, instead of possibly retiring and watch TV.

Made me think about how shallow we are as human beings. All the while we are young, we always want to do something that is beyond our age. We easily adopt Parent ego state in our transactions. It happens even to a small kid. But when it comes to playing down the age, it is unpalatable. What’s the real difference anyway? In both cases, we just don’t want to be the age we are. How is that, it is acceptable to try things that are above your age, while the other one is not?

Many people come to me and comment on why I wear bold colors, why do I have so many footwear’s, why am I growing my hair, why am I friends with people younger to me by 10 to 15 years. Many such questions, as if when I am just 40 I am supposed to take sanyas or just be a dad of 2 daughters and turn away when an attractive woman passes by. If I do, it’s not my age!! Or audacity!! “Look what he is doing, why can’t he just be his age?” ( Buddies, if I don’t, I can’t even relate to my own daughters….)

I can only laugh at them or really feel bad for them. I believe that as we grow older, we also grow wiser, smarter, bolder, more powerful, more understanding and so many other things. If you start feeling that you are old, you are dead that day. You are not going to like yourself and if you don’t, no one would either. It is plainly a denial to stay happy. Good things create unrest with many people. They always want to be Atlas. Carry the world on their shoulders and everyone’s miseries! If God decides to give rest one day to them from this daunting task, they feel miserable. They just can’t be happy, thinking that one day there is no pressure. They will really squeeze their brain and find out one distant misery that can hit upon them probably 20 years from then.

It is these kinds of people who think that one should act their age, particularly when it comes to trying something that youngsters do. No it’s not for the oldies. Plainly because I can’t do that because that may accidentally make me happy and my vow to remain sad would not be fulfilled, so I should not. Since I won’t I also don’t approve of what you do will be their undeclared stance.

Actually, we should have retired all these jokers just after they finished their kindergarten. And just give them the Atlas job!

Reviews, Reviews...

How would you feel if, all you do in life is being in reviews? Sickening! And that’s what my life has become. Reviews, Reviews and more reviews.

The ones I am supposed to do. One on regular business, 3 on special initiatives and then the same thing repeated to me as a review. And after you had been a million reviews, you kind of predict what will be the course of it.

Never once I have seen, heard someone following what was planned in the previous review. But the creative juices are at its best when questions are asked. Starting from a dumb answer like, ‘Boss, its there’!! What’s there really? Appears to me that nothing is there, that’s what the issue is about. Otherwise it will be ‘I asked them Boss’. Ask what and whom? Your job is to do and not ask. I scream my butt off for these answers. As much as I have become a decent prophet about what’s next, they also are pretty good in terms of digression. They know the issues for which there are no immediate solutions and the discussion will be veered there. Else, it will be one elaborate discussion on something that is not worth even a penny. The cost of that discussion will be higher than the potential outcome.

Some guys are smarter. Like what we used to say in earlier days that one should hold the graph sheet up and from your side it will be degrowth and in the opposite side it will be read as growth. They will choose one obscure datapoint and compare and establish that there is a .00001 % growth. That datapoint would be when Genghis Khan invaded us and we were all busy saving our lives. The reality would be different. Something will be on fire. Or the outstation guys will lose signals. Whatever you ask, they will repeat ‘ Boss, Boss’ and for added measure, they will say ‘ Boss, your voice is cracking’. Then what it else it will do? Seeing the revenue figures, voice can only crack !!!

And when it is my turn to get reviewed obviously all my experience would come into play along with the recent learning’s from the subordinates. But Bosses being bosses are always smarter. They know what you will not have an answer for and stick on to that question. Immaterial whether it has any relevance to the business. And it will be accompanied with some solid gyan on why we should not ignore hygiene factors, which you would hear only for the millionth time in life.

The poor souls will always be the one who gets chosen first in a group. The energy level of the questioners will be high and the rest will get an opportunity to cover up their stupidity that comes up in their reports. So, when they are badgered and released finally, there will neither be energy left nor desire to rape will be left. In my days, I have seen some really thick-skinned characters who will be completely unperturbed about the environment and go on and on with their harangue. Few bosses have the intention to take them seriously and rape them. Otherwise it will be one banal report which none will care for.

And worst about the reviews is there will be a plan made again as corrective action and it will be trashed as soon as you get out of the room and everything will start all over again in the next week. If only, all the creativity that is used in answering questions on reviews is left to be used in business, it will grow for sure.

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